Today

Some days stand out in my mind as being hard. Hard because everyone seems to be on the brink of a meltdown, including myself. Hard because I realize for not the first time that I am not the mom I want to be and I do things I wish I didn't and although I resolve to change some of those things... they remain like thorns in my heel.

John still doesn't really like Grant. He doesn't like it when he touches him or anything close to him. He doesn't even like it when Grant looks at him sometimes. Sibling dislike is not uncommon, but what makes it so hard is that John is not really like that with anyone else. He is mostly a very loving and sweet boy, except when it comes to Grant. He has kicked him in the face more than once knocking the poor boy over while he was just trying to stand up. Not cool. My protective mother instinct comes out in full force in those moments. I react rather than act. Also not cool.

On the flip side, sometimes John does nice things for him. He has helped him walk across the room a couple of times, which I think is rewarding for both of them. He often goes in first when Grant wakes up from naps to say hello. And sometimes he actually asks that Grant come sit by him... sometimes meaning probably less than a dozen times in the past 10 months. I was really hoping for a better record than that by now.

Lest you think I am completely wallowing in my own self pity, there are positives. Grant took his first steps on Sunday. He's awesome.

I continue to eat chocolate chip cookies almost every night, and I don't generally feel bad about it considering I think I eat pretty healthy the rest of the day.

Grant did sleep through the night once 2 weeks ago... it gives me hope that there are more days like that ahead.

John is still charming and adorable and funny, when he wants to be, which is most of the time and when he's not kicking Grant in the face.