Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Some days stand out in my mind as being hard. Hard because everyone seems to be on the brink of a meltdown, including myself. Hard because I realize for not the first time that I am not the mom I want to be and I do things I wish I didn't and although I resolve to change some of those things... they remain like thorns in my heel.

John still doesn't really like Grant. He doesn't like it when he touches him or anything close to him. He doesn't even like it when Grant looks at him sometimes. Sibling dislike is not uncommon, but what makes it so hard is that John is not really like that with anyone else. He is mostly a very loving and sweet boy, except when it comes to Grant. He has kicked him in the face more than once knocking the poor boy over while he was just trying to stand up. Not cool. My protective mother instinct comes out in full force in those moments. I react rather than act. Also not cool.

On the flip side, sometimes John does nice things for him. He has helped him walk across the room a couple of times, which I think is rewarding for both of them. He often goes in first when Grant wakes up from naps to say hello. And sometimes he actually asks that Grant come sit by him... sometimes meaning probably less than a dozen times in the past 10 months. I was really hoping for a better record than that by now.

Lest you think I am completely wallowing in my own self pity, there are positives. Grant took his first steps on Sunday. He's awesome.

I continue to eat chocolate chip cookies almost every night, and I don't generally feel bad about it considering I think I eat pretty healthy the rest of the day.

Grant did sleep through the night once 2 weeks ago... it gives me hope that there are more days like that ahead.

John is still charming and adorable and funny, when he wants to be, which is most of the time and when he's not kicking Grant in the face.


Mercedes said...

my sister and i fought like cats and dogs until i was about 14 and she was 12---then we magically became best of friends (and are to this day). sometimes it just takes us first born children a while (12 years) to get used to the idea of not being numero uno. i can't imagine how hard it must be for you---but be hopeful--it will get better i am sure of it!

ps--i'm not having a baby. yet.

Rebecca Smylie said...

Probably not what you are looking for but that last line was awesome! Aalso, it will get better. And, already walking!! If it does not get better grant can at least start running now!

Tristen said...

Reading this a bit late, but yep, I feel you. Have been in the lurches with kids too-- who knew that this is why parenting is so hard?! I totally pegged motherhood as being hard in other ways, hadn't really considered the way I would feel when a- my offspring are inhumane to each other and b-when I react like a mama bear against one for hurting the other and then cry because I shouted and punished or swatted behinds or something. It's pretty much a nightmare but luckily there are all of the good things to help to counteract. I've heard good things also about being a parent who makes mistakes in front of their children, apologizes and then forgives themselves (releasing themselves from guilt) so that the children can learn to love themselves even through mistakes. This makes me feel better. Also every week when I take the sacrament I make it a practice to (in addition to remembering and renewing my baptismal covenants) 1- forgive my husband even if he doesn't acknowledge or even know that he's been insensitive/boring/ridiculous/nonhelpful/the cause of all of my problems (not true) and 2- to forgive myself for not being a perfect mom. Its harder to do than it sounds but it helps if you only work in one week increments. At least for me. I just think it's not helpful to feel badly about the past when your kids need you RIGHTNOW to be on your game. ALSO, sorry for so many words (why do I always post so much for your posts?? I'm so sorry!!), but I a while ago felt like I was swatting little butts too often and out of anger (reacting) rather than being proactive (I know I've already told you about my favorite parenting book"The power of Positive Parenting") so I started a very personal anger journal to write down the date, time, situation, if I felt anger, what I did (screamed, swatted, cried, etc...), factors to why I might be feeling low and then what I would do differently next time. Wow I learned so much about myself and what was making me so low and reactive rather than proactive. I've slowed down with the journaling mostly only pull it out when I feel like I'm saying NO and shouting all of the time but like I said, I learned SO much about myself and how to take care of myself as a mom so I can bring my best self to the game. (including making myself a food plan for the day, hormone balancing, trying to keep a clean house because my dirty one is absolutely maddening). Anyways, I hear you that there is so so so so much good and that you aren't wallowing. But it sounds like kids are as excitingly crazy for you as they are for me and maybe there is one tiny thing you can appreciate!