Saturday, October 13, 2012

Part of my job

Tonight was the adult session of our stake conference. I used to love going to this meeting because I felt like the best talks were given at this session. Since having kids, I don't really get to go. Our stake doesn't really have enough youth to go around to watch all the kids, so it means moms like me stay home or take turns with their husbands or take their kids with them (we did this once and it was misery... for everyone.). And in my case, since my husband has almost always had a leadership role of some kind, he goes to the leadership meeting before the adult session. This inevitably means he stays for the adult session, and I am home with the kids. I realize this is part of being a mom.

But tonight, it kind of frustrated me. I wanted to be at stake conference being spiritually fed, which is something I rarely get these days at church or anywhere when my kids are around. I spend most of my time and attention trying to get them to be reverent or not hit each other or fight over the hymn books. But instead, my husband was there while I was at home with 3 very tired and crazy kids who ransacked the house, which became a whirlwind of disaster, piles of laundry that needed to be washed/folded, dishes that needed to be done and no real dinner for myself made. That also meant that there was no point of relaxation even remotely visible, which would have been nice since Fiona was up a lot last night and Grant was up at 6:45 meaning I had little to no sleep. I felt defeated. Cheated. Frustrated. Tired.

But it's ok. The laundry is near completion. The house is mostly picked up, and I even mopped the floor. Dinner is being made. Kids are finally asleep, and all is quiet except the sound of the dryer. I sit here with my own thoughts echoing in my mind, and I try desperately to beat back the negativity and resentment that want to creep in. I'm a mom. It's a hard job. I work harder and longer at this particular job than I have at any other. Sometimes it is not very rewarding. Sometimes my kids say mean things. Sometimes I am really overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Much of the time I feel underappreciated. But it's OK. I would not choose the alternative. I don't ever wish to go back, and I can't imagine my life without each of these little humans that are mine. Sometimes I wish I had someone to clean my house for me and do all the little things that drive me crazy that I can't seem to find the time to do like cleaning the refrigerator or the baseboards or walls or really scouring the bathroom and kitchen or decorating... I could really use someone to do that.

Most days I really enjoy all the parts of this mom life. I love seeing my kids play and grow and learn. I love their smiles and laughter and voices. I love the things they say. I love the random hugs and I love yous. Those are the things that cancel out the unsavory parts. And when they are sleeping too... it reminds me how much I love them :)


Kristyn said...

Perfect description of how we all feel at times...sometimes for longer stretches than others! I think we all feel guilty about the feelings of frustration & resentment, but it is doesn't mean we don't love our kids or our lives at home with only means we are human...we break down, but then we come back stronger for them and for ourselves.

Kathy Burkhardt said...

You are a very good mom and someday your children will thank you. Some of those feelings of inadequacy will never go away even after they are grown. You are always a mom and it is always hard work but with it. Just keep doing what you are doing and it will get a little easier.

teamkc said...

Ditto. Thanks for verbalizing what I've been feeling.

Stephanie said...

Today at church a woman (whose husband just passed away unexpectedly) expressed gratitude for the wonderful adults her children have all turned out to become, and she talked about how much they have helped her during this difficult time.

It renewed to me the idea that kids are, in many ways, an investment in future happiness. They bring current happiness, absolutely, but this woman is now reaping the benefits of so many years of what you are experiencing/feeling now, Nikki.