Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sometimes...


I am a mother of 2 gorgeous and delightful boys. I love them more than anything else, husband excepted. I genuinely enjoy being a mother... most of the time, and I am under no false impressions that motherhood is easy. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it stinks. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I end the day in tears. Sometimes I want to lock myself in my room. Sometimes I want to run away to another country. Sometimes I am a little bewildered at my own life. Sometimes I am too tired to be fun, which I hate. Sometimes the deep cleaning doesn't get done... like hardly ever. Sometimes I am just happy that the bathroom and kitchen have the appearance of being clean. Sometimes I wish I could be like some of the other moms I know who are super crafty, design savvy, organized and stylish. Sometimes I look at my single friends and think to myself that they have no idea what they are missing or how hard it really is. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I have been up multiple times and am on the verge of a meltdown, I say things like, "Right now I hate my life." But I never really mean it. Sometimes I get bored when I have been stuck in my house for 4 days straight with little to no adult human contact. Sometimes I think it is unfair that I have had 2 difficult babies with acid reflux who projectile vomit on a daily basis ruining their clothes and mine, crying for hours without explanation or response to comfort. Sometimes I want people to feel sorry for me, but not really. Because my kids are awesome. Sometimes I wish I had a bigger apartment. Sometimes I wish I had more clothes or that Boden would call me and ask me to wear all of their clothes as some kind of US promotion. Sometimes I just want to live the life of the Boden catalog. Is that weird? Sometimes I forget to say my morning prayers... probably more often than I should, and I really hate that because that is probably the one thing that gets me through the day sane. Sometimes I hate how little I play my piano or write or take pictures. Sometimes I read other people's blogs in disgust because they make everything seem so perfect and beautiful and easy... when it's not. Sometimes I really hate my hair and want to do something to change it, but most of the time I am too afraid of anything drastic because I really do like my hair. Sometimes when Grant has been crying for more than 2 hours without being consoled by anything I do, his cries are like nails on a chalkboard and I have to leave the room, but then I remember that he is just a baby and it's not his fault that he suffers. And I feel like a jerk. Sometimes I can't wait for my kids to go to bed, but then I miss them when they sleep so I go check on them periodically just to burn their faces in my memory... and to remind me how truly awesome they are when they are driving me crazy. Sometimes when John has asked to go to the bathroom for the 5th time when he should be in bed asleep and he continues to get up and push my buttons for another hour... I lose it. And then I have to remind myself that he's 2. Sometimes it really irks me that he refuses to kneel or participate or fold his arms for family prayer... but then my husband reminds me that he's 2. Sometimes I really hate doing the dishes because I do them all the time. Sometimes I get really tired of reminding John to say please and thank you and to stop demanding things. Sometimes I forget that my babies are just that... babies. So I am thankful for little reminders of that fact. Sometimes I hate how fast they grow up, well, most of the time I hate it. Sometimes I hate being reminded that I graduated from high school 15 years ago, but mostly I am just astonished by that.

I try not to be a glass half empty kind of person. I appreciate optimism and positive attitudes. But I also appreciate a little honesty now and then. My life is really great. I have a wonderful husband and two handsome and amazing boys. I have much I am grateful for, especially being a mother. But sometimes it's hard. But only sometimes.

11 comments:

Beth, Cody, Morgan, Pepper said...

I completely agree and feel your "sometimes" pain. You hit the nail right on the head. I have to remind myself constantly how young my kids are and that they won't be this age forever. Thanks for being honest!

JC said...

Sometimes I put myself in time out....then Madeleine comes and apologizes to me. :) Lock yourself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes when you're going to lose it. It works wonders to regroup. :)

Being a mommy is the most wonderful thing and at the same time, the HARDEST thing we can ever do.

Oh, and you have amazing talents...hello, amazing chef!

love you... :)

rachel thurston said...

Such a great post and such great writing, insights and honesty. Life is the real deal and so are you. I feel you and hear you. xxoo.

teamkc said...

Amen.

Rachel McEwen said...

I love this post. I love true honesty. This is how most moms feel, not the rainbows and butterflies that is seen on the outside. There are so many days when I tell Justin that I just don't want to be a mom anymore....but I also don't want to be anything else. It is def the hardest job on the planet....with the most rewards:)

Tristen said...

Yep, ditto to your post. You basically nailed my last 3 years since having #2. Sometimes I hate it. And then I'm confused since it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And then I'm tired because all of that thinking and emoting is hard for a lady who hasn't slept in weeks. I hate it and I love it and it's the dichotomy that keeps it all interesting, I guess. the thing i've learned through the years is that our VERY WORST days are usually followed by a full or partial awesome day. I don't know what it is, probably my true humility and realization that I'm less than the dirt without the saving forces of the Atonement, maybe its because that's when I pull out my favorite parenting book ("The Power of Positive Parenting... Glenn Latham... love that book) or maybe the kids just take mercy on me. But after my darkest days are my brightest days, it is what keeps me going. I love it. And I hate it.

Great post.

E.F.G. said...

how refreshing. i feel that way sometimes with only one. yikes! sometimes i can't believe i've signed up for this job that i can never call out of or take a break from. it's so hard. and so rewarding.

and you're right, your little guys are handsome.

Rebecca Smylie said...

yes, sometimes.

kimmy girl said...

nikki! im so glad you have a blog. How refreshing and honest. ps-you have great hair. i think it everytime you walk into church. envy.

S.A.S. said...

I agree with so very many of your 'sometimes's. It's a fascinating world, motherhood. No? Everything you said is so very very normal. Glad you shared.

Stephanie said...

I just finished a book wherein a mother was panicked because her youngest was turning 13 and her biggest fear now was that nobody would need her anymore.

I am constantly amazed at how well you, Nikki, and all my other mom friends handle the demands of little ones. But I am also learning from all of you that being needed is a blessing in its own way. Hooray for mothers!

You are doing an awesome job cousin, and I love seeing you in action.