Dear John...

I adore you. I also find you exasperating at times. It's not really your fault my patience meter is running low, and admittedly sometimes I find your moments of exasperation to be endearing. I only wish I was thinking about how endearing they are at that very moment. You beg to be held sometimes, which drives me crazy because you are no longer a lightweight, but I also love holding you. I know the days are numbered when you will do this. Someday you won't even want me to touch you... I dread those days.

But right now, I am still the center of your universe. I love the way you light up in the morning when you see me, especially when I don't get you out of bed. I love the way you get excited at just the thought of going outside. You are a man of the outdoors, which makes me wish we lived on a farm or somewhere surrounded by acres of nature. Perhaps you are not the urban lover I am although I am finding my love for the urban lifestyle changing as you grow older. I love your enthusiasm for life and everything that comes with it... food, podcasts, books, toys, snow, puddles, your new green rubber boots. Everything is so exciting to you and it shows in your face and your whole body. I hope that never changes.

It's hard to believe you are on your way to being 2. How is it possible that you have grown so fast and yet you are still my baby boy? I see pictures of you all small and cuddly, and it doesn't seem that long ago. Thankfully, you have become more affectionate with age, and I do so enjoy your hugs, kisses and smiles. They make my day. You are my firstborn and because of that you will always have a special place in my heart. Whatever siblings may come in the future will be lucky to have you as their older brother.

Thank you for forgiving me daily for my impatience and not understanding you. I respond to your talking because I want you to know that I am listening even though I have no idea what you are saying most of the time. Surely, you are thinking to yourself how ridiculous I must be for responding with something that has nothing to do with what you said. I promise to get better, and I know your words are coming ever so quickly. Forgive me for forgetting what it's like to be you. I try not to. And forgive me for being tired some mornings when you have been up in the night and then get up early. Apparently, I am no longer a rock star on little sleep. Just know that I love you even when I am cranky.

John, I adore you. When you go to sleep, I am relieved because I have some time to get things done, but after about an hour I am missing you. I can't help but go into your room and look at you sleeping so peacefully. I wonder what you are dreaming about, and I wonder if you miss me too. I have enjoyed every minute we have had together so far and feel so fortunate that I get to spend my days with you. You are the only child I will have that will have the undivided and individualized attention you have had. I will remember it always even though you will only know it through photos. I still like to think it creates a bond between us.

I love you madly. I can't help it.