Welcome to motherhood

"Welcome to motherhood," says the voice in my head. It says this to me several times a day as I go through my irregular routine of changing diapers, burping, cuddling, nursing and swaddling. I knew my life was going to change drastically when my little man came out to play, but no amount of advice or warning or mental preparation could have truly prepared me for the rainbow of emotions that have washed over me the past 2 weeks.

I have never considered myself the motherly type. I don't always feel very natural or comfortable with other people's children, and everyone always told me, "It's different when they are your own." I was skeptical. But now I understand what that means. There are times when I just watch him sleeping so peacefully in his bed. I watch the rise and fall of his chest and try to memorize the looks on his face. Sometimes at night I wake up because he hasn't moved or made a sound in hours. I watch him afraid that if I look away he will grow up and change in the instant before I can return to my vigil. And he does. Despite how challenging this time is with little sleep, learning how to read signals and trying to figure out what to do with my suddenly non-structural days, I find myself dreading him growing up. Every morning he's a little bit bigger and his expressions change. I have shed a few tears during moments of exhaustion and weakness over the days that have already passed as my little boy grows before my eyes. I don't want to miss any part of it, so I watch him intently while he sleeps willing him to stay small and cuddly.

I have no idea what I am doing 90% of the day. I don't know if I am feeding him right or enough. I don't know if I should be keeping him up or letting him sleep. I often talk to him and ask his forgiveness for all the mistakes I am bound to make on a daily basis. I used to think that I needed patience to be able to handle a baby and all the challenges that come along with that, but I am swiftly discovering that he is the one who has to be patient with me. I found myself this morning realizing that although only 2 weeks old, he probably knows more than I do at the moment. I didn't really know that this is what they meant by motherhood. To be a mother is not to have all the answers or to do everything with perfection. To be a mother is to see your child and love them with such intensity that you catch a small glimpse of what it must be like to be Heavenly Father. To be a mother is to hold your son in your arms and want nothing more than to have him know how much you love him despite your mistakes and inevitable shortcomings. To be a mother is to watch your sleeping baby just to spend time with him.

I have never felt so overwhelmed and so humble in my whole life as I do right now. Motherhood is a responsibility that makes me feel inadequate and insufficient, but as my loving husband reminded me the other morning, the Lord qualifies us for all things he has asked us to do. Whatever I bring to the table is sufficient and He makes up the rest as always. There have been a few times in my life when I have spent countless hours on my knees and in humble prayer, and this is one of those times. I have been brought down to the depths of humility with the realization that I know nothing and yet, the Lord has entrusted this special spirit to my care. That means I have to rely on His council and guidance in order to raise my son the way I want to and the way the Lord wants me to. I cannot be the mother I need to be without the spirit in my life, so I find myself searching for it constantly... praying for it... listening to it.

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am now a mother and that my life has started a new chapter and taken on new meaning. It is a daily challenge to put everything in balance and sensible order in my world, but somehow we manage to fall asleep at night just grateful for the day and for the time we can spend with our son. I know that soon I have to get back to "real life" making dinner, cleaning up, going to the grocery store, etc. But today I am just happy to have my husband and son in the same room with me, go for walks in the park and stop by the Met for a quick tour of the latest exhibit all on a weekday. Real life can start next week.