Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Socially Clueless

15 November 2005

It often amazes me how some people my age are completely clueless to acceptable social conventions and skills. I spend a lot of time observing people in social situations, and sometimes I am bewildered. I walk away thinking that it isn’t possible that anyone could be so clueless, especially people who have grown up in major cities, attended large universities and work in mammoth corporate environments, and, yet, there are a few who slip through the cracks and come up a little short of normal and completely miss the boat of charming. I thought I would take this opportunity to point out a few major social faux pas’.

How do conversations get started? Generally, one person will introduce themselves to another person, ask a question, make a thought provoking comment, or incite a debate on a hot or controversial topic. Very rarely is a pleasant or captivating conversation started when one person talks about themselves the whole time. It is often boring and very much one-sided. One person will always walk away feeling completely unsatisfied. I have witnessed this on a couple occasions. The one who does all the talking will realize that they really don’t know much about anyone they associate with other than their aesthetic qualities. This is because they have spent the majority of their conversations talking about themselves. Interesting to note that this same person is usually under the false pretense that everyone is their friend and deluded to thinking that everyone is interested in hearing every detail of their life. This is not good practice for getting to know people, especially women. Women like to talk. They also like to ask questions. If you are sitting there for 45 minutes and look up at your lunch date and she has a glassy-eyed, vacant look on her face, you might want to rethink your approach and consider asking her some questions. No one likes to be around someone who can hold a conversation all by themselves.

I like to have dinner parties. It used to be of the more manageable kind consisting of 6-8 people, but as my social circle expands and my culinary skills enhance the numbers tend to increase two or three fold. It seems that now I cannot hold a dinner party with less than 20 people. In my house, it is inevitable that there will be at least 5 if all of my roommates are present. And if I invite our quasi roommates, then it ends up being almost 10. And since we need to balance that with some members of the male species, it goes up to about 15 or more, which is fine with me as long as I am aware of the numbers and can prepare accordingly. I have no objection to the organizers of such a dinner party inviting additional people. That is to be expected. However, if someone invites you to a dinner party, it is not customary nor is it polite to invite your own guest, unless of course it is discussed ahead of time. On that same note, if you know someone is having a dinner party, this generally does not mean that it’s an open invitation for any and all to come. If you weren’t personally invited, it’s probably not a good idea to just show up. It’s also not polite to come uninvited, eat the food, and then leave before most people have finished with their salad. There is a word for people like that… moochers. I am always happy to have lots of people at my house… so much that I am not sure I even know how to make anything for small numbers anymore. But I would like to have the option. I would like to say that I am feeding 8 people and know that is the number I will actually feed rather than say that but have to buy enough food for 15 because I know by the time we get around to eating, more people will have been invited or shown up because they got a whiff of the dinner party plans.

In a city as diverse as New York, it is dangerous to make generalizations about cultures, traditions, ethnicities or personalities. There are people from every city of the world living here of different religions, opposing political parties, varying back grounds, interests, professions, etc. It is generally not best practices to make generalizations anywhere. If you find you have made the mistake of shoving someone into a proverbial box, the smartest way to avoid digging a rather deep and dark hole for yourself is to admit to the mistake, correct yourself and move on. It is not smart to cover the mistake by proclaiming you are making true statements and that you know what you are talking about because the more you talk the more apparent it is that you don’t know what you are saying and you are just trying to avoid admitting that you were wrong to begin with. No one likes stereotypes because it strips them of their identity and it is kind of insulting to assume something about someone, especially someone you don’t even know. Again, this is where getting to know people comes in handy, so people who talk about themselves all the time are usually the ones to find themselves in this unfortunate predicament most often.

We have all been involved in a social conundrum before… if not many. That is how we learn and become aware of acceptable social conventions that may be different from our perceived standards. I am just mystified that there are some people who find themselves in these strange social predicaments and never pick up on the fact that they are completely clueless, and no matter how often they find themselves at the center of social bewilderment, they remain oblivious. I once thought that if these kinds of people were exposed to increasing numbers of social events they might actually learn a few things, but I am finding that may not be the case. Some people are just destined to remain socially clueless.

7 comments:

Stephen said...

um....i think i read something about dinner invites? was that actually an invite for me to come to dinner. and if not, i'm wondering why i have not yet been invited to come to dinner. is there something wrong with me? is there some reason you are inviting 15 people to dinner and i am not one of them? are you reading this and wondering who i am? you can find out with a simple dinner invite. i know how to act in social settings. i do i promise. i do! i know how, ok! just let me try! i can act normally in social settings, ok! there is nothing wrong with me!!! just give me a chance! i'm normal i promise....

nikki said...

You know... you are right... I haven't invited you and I should... I guess we can go for a test run, but if you tell any of the ladies in the room that they have hot bodies or if you talk abotu yourself the whole time... we might have a problem. I think you would be an excellent addition to my dinner parties, and it might even give you an edge to that threesome...

Stephen said...

threesomes are good for you and me. come up here and you me and petey can try it out.

nikki said...

I'm mildly intrigued by this proposition

Stephen said...

i'm offended you are only mildly intrigued...

petey said...

i must admit, i too am offended that you are only mildly intrigued. intriguing. period. i had to write the punctuation because it doesn't get emphasized when you just write it

nikki said...

ok... so I am more than mildly intrigued...