Musings

Kay Kelly

2012-01-27T15:55:00.001-05:00

Cameron's wonderful grandma passed away this week and has been reunited with her husband and love John Kelly whom John is named after. We miss her but happy she had a beautiful life.

Almost warm enough

2012-01-24T17:42:00.001-05:00

I took the boys over to see my cousin Stephanie this afternoon because she and her new husband just moved a few avenues away by the river. We stopped at a small playground nearby after because the sun was shining and it seemed warm. It wasn't really but they enjoyed being outside. I love Riverside Church especially in evening light.

Doughnuts

2012-01-23T15:08:00.001-05:00

My awesome mother in law is here so we celebrated by going to the Shake Shack (John's choice) and the Doughnut Plant. Not the best choices for calorie watching but who cares. It was delicious.

Snow day

2012-01-21T13:00:00.001-05:00

We finally got some snow here and the boys loved it. Hopefully a video will be debuting soon.

Dragon slayers

2012-01-15T20:11:00.001-05:00

I got tired of the bits using my broom and pot lids as sword and shield, so I made them personalized shields and swords which they so artistically decorated themselves. And then they proceeded to slay the lion headed dragon. Huzzah.

Could he be more charming?

2012-01-13T22:09:00.001-05:00

Brothers

2012-01-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

John is sure we are having another boy. He may very well be right. Here is one of our most recent conversations...

John: It's another boy.
Me: You want another boy? You like having brothers?
John: Yes. I want lots of brothers.
Me: Hmm.
John: I want 5 brothers.
Me: Well, I can pretty much guarantee their will not be 5 brothers, but you might get another one.

I love my boys, but there will not be 5 brothers.

Lego Creations

2012-01-11T11:15:00.001-05:00

John got Legos for Christmas, so we (I) have been spending a lot of time making a lot of airplanes, boats and whatever other creative ideas we come up with. It's been fun although Cameron thinks I get too involved. He asked me if he should buy me some Legos for my birthday. I did consider it.

My boy likes peanut butter

2012-01-09T11:19:00.001-05:00

Thank goodness we have a peanut butter supplier in the family so there is never a shortage around here.

They are also in the business of chocolate, but I don't have a picture of that because I already ate it all. But if you are in Dublin, OH and need a fix, they usually have warm cookies for sale as well as all the other good stuff. If you aren't lucky enough to live in Dublin, you can order stuff at www.thesisterssweetshoppe.com but you won't get warm cookies.

Nearly springlike day

2012-01-06T13:52:00.001-05:00

Playing at the playground after days (or is it weeks?) of frigid weather. Sigh of relief.

Second Funnest Wedding Ever... but definitely best New Year's Eve Ever

2012-01-03T21:26:00.001-05:00

My gorgeous and awesome cousin Stephanie got married on New Year's Eve. It's only second to my wedding and only because it was mine not because it was better, get it? Anyway, so fun. And I got to enjoy the reception without my kids, which was the only thing I did the entire wedding weekend without them and therefore the only thing I truly enjoyed without stress. She and Adam were truly radiant. She was gloriously beautiful and the whole thing was just perfect. Now I am just anxiously awaiting their return to NYC so I can hang out with them for the 6 short months they have here before moving on to the next big thing. Best way to end and start a new year.

Is it really almost Christmas??

2011-12-22T21:13:00.000-05:00

So my mom sent me a text the other day and asked when I was going to blog again. She said it was "old". Well, it's true. My blogging has gone to pot lately, and my response to her was that I will blog again when it becomes important... meaning more important than something else I am already doing in the daytime because it would have to take the place of something else. Perhaps I would feel more motivated if I thought people were actually reading it, but since I think my mom might be the only one who reads it and I talk to her on a weekly basis, it isn't quite enough incentive. I keep telling myself it will be easier if I have an iPhone and can post whenever with photos on my phone rather than downloading them from my camera every time, but who am I kidding? Anyhow, I was feeling guilty, so here I am.

This might just be post of things on my mind, so forgive me if I bore you.

First, if you don't have Spotify, get it. It will change your life. It's like Pandora but a thousand times better. You have access to practically every song known to man at your fingertips for free... at least for the first 6 months and then it's only like $5 a month. Do it, you won't be sorry. And when you do, if you need some quiet and lovely Christmas music, look up Favourite Carols from King's College Choir. I especially love "In the Bleak Midwinter." It's beautiful. And while you are at it, put She&Him "Baby It's Cold Outside" and anything from Sufjan Stevens.

Second, I took the boys to Santa at Macy's a couple of weeks ago. We went early to avoid the lines, which proved to be a wise decision. I didn't make a big deal about it because I knew neither of them would sit on Santa's lap. I only wanted to avoid major meltdowns, which I did, so I consider the trip a success. I didn't think the Santa that impressive anyway. He didn't even have a real beard. So Cameron and I took them to see Santa at ABC Carpet and Home because we have been hearing that he is the best Santa around... probably the real one. We were not disappointed. Real beard, vintage suit and boots, kindly face, real fancy candy cane lollipops. Awesome. Still no real luck with the boys on the lap, but whatever. I liked him. ABC is amazing and beautiful. We looked around for a bit after our Santa visit, but I quickly realized once I saw that the pillows were $950 that I not only did not belong in that store but having 2 young boys roaming around was a very bad and potentially expensive idea. So we left and went to Barnes and Noble instead. Glad we saw ABC Santa. Highlight.

Our Christmas party this year was a success once again, and I do love the way it helps me set the tone for Christmas in our house... a season of giving and thinking of others. We delivered 12 very full boxes of food to 6 deserving families with the help of all our good friends and neighbors. This has been one of my favorite traditions. This year John went with Cameron to help deliver, and I hope it's something that he grows increasingly more excited about. We also attended our Stake Christmas Concert, which was amazing as always. I spent a good portion in the doorway as I let Grant run around in the foyer. It was past his bedtime and there was no chance he was going to sit for an hour and a half. But every time a performance finished he rushed in to start clapping. Cutest thing ever. And I just finished baking some treats to hand out to our friends and neighbors. John assisted in decorating the sugar cookies, and I hope that becomes a tradition too. Other than that, John has been watching Disney's Prep and Landing once or twice a day and gets excited anytime he hears Frosty the Snowman or Grinch music. He has also been introduced and is familiar with Charlie Brown Christmas tunes and all. It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas.

Cameron got called to be the First Councilor in the bishopric of our ward, which means I see him a lot less on Sundays and he's out visiting and on the phone a lot. I remember a time when I used to really enjoy and look forward to Sundays, but sadly that time seems far gone. It's hard managing two active children for over an hour during sacrament meeting who just want to sit with their dad and can't because he's on the stand. I get to hear about 15% of the meeting while the other 85% I am trying to keep the boys quiet and entertained. John basically refuses to go to nursery and Grant isn't old enough to be there yet, so it makes the next 2 hours a complete wash as well. Luckily, Cameron often takes John with him, so I just have to chase Grant around. Sometimes I wonder why I am even there, but I know the answer to that. It wouldn't be so bad if Cameron didn't leave 3 hours before church starts and often isn't home for dinner. Call me crazy, but for a day that is set aside for worship and families, this seems like an awfully crummy arrangement. I am sure it will get easier or at least I will just get used to it, but sometimes it really stinks. But I love my husband and his willingness to give it his all... in everything he does. Really not looking forward to getting 3 kids ready for church by 9 am and dealing with that alone during sacrament. Nightmare. Yes, that's what I said. Three.

So if you actually read all of this, then you just got a little surprise gift. Merry Christmas.

Exactly one month later

2011-11-14T15:47:00.001-05:00

I can't remember when my blogging has been this bad. A whole month has gone by without a post. We had some visitors... Cameron's dad spent a day or two with us while he was here on business and my parents were here for a week. The kids were pampered and I was able to make dinner most nights without children tugging on my legs.

We were able to go to see Hugh Jackman on Broadway because of a freak snowstorm here in the tri-state area that made it impossible for Cameron's sister Eliza who had the tickets to get into the city. Thanks, Lize. The show was amazing. Loved it. Probably one of the best shows I have seen. It's no secret that I share some disdain for Broadway these days. I am tired of movies being made into Broadway shows and shows that lack real thoughtful playwrighting. Hugh was a breath of fresh air and laughs. He was real, the songs were classic, it was under 2 hours and absolutely entertaining. My faith has been restored that it is possible to have a good Broadway show.

Other than that, we have been enjoying the beautiful fall weather, abnormally high November temperatures, the prolonged leaf peeping season in the city and a variety of other normal Fall activities, including nasty colds that have pretty much kept us home for the past 3 days. We did manage to take a nice walk yesterday to Riverside Park despite our coughs and runny noses.

Going away... but not really

2011-10-14T20:22:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago, we threw a going away party for our dear friends, the Gardners, who have entered the unpredictable and exciting world of the foreign service. We just learned that they will actually be staying in NY for the first 2 years, but at the time, we were bracing ourselves for something like Texas or Minnesota before going to Kazakhstan or Yemen. We are glad they will still be here but also glad to have an excuse to throw a party. A big thanks to Noelle for making food and the ever stylish and wonderful Marci, who also made amazing food and was really the reason this whole thing even happened. I just pretend to help.

Grant

2011-10-14T19:44:00.001-05:00

I love this kid. How can you not love this cheerful face? He smiles all the time, laughs and has the most delightful personality. He's so awesome. How cool is it that I have 2 adorable, awesome kids?

A little Brooklyn Bridge

2011-10-14T19:37:00.002-05:00

I have been wanting to make my annual pilgrimage to Brooklyn for nearly 2 months. I'd make plans with people, and then it wouldn't work out, blah blah. You know the story. But we finally made it on a glorious Friday after a week full of rain. We walked; we picnicked; we rode a lovely carousel with views of both the Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges; we had ice cream; and we rode the ferry back to Manhattan, which delighted John. A success.

So much to catch up on....

2011-10-14T19:00:00.004-05:00

But no time really. So here goes...

While other people are hanging out on the weekend doing things like leaf peeping and park going, we Kelly's gather in New Jersey to make a movie. And when I say we... I mean I am mostly just familial support, kitchen help and child wrangler. I do no acting, directing, writing or filming. In this particular project, the amazing Liza Dawson wrote a little fairy tale that only the kids would be acting in using their completely adorable little playhouse in the backyard, which she spent countless hours painting and decorating, I might add. John played the doctor. Grant and I made lunch. Here are some behind the scenes stills.

Happy Birthday, Granty Man!!

2011-09-26T12:32:00.001-05:00

My little Grant turned 1 today. Everything about him is awesome, wonderful and joyful. I am so glad he came to be with our family.

Happy Birthday, baby boy!!

It really has been that long

2011-09-20T21:28:00.001-05:00

In an effort to release the grasp the computer has on my life and stop wasting precious time checking blogs, facebook, email and whatever else, I have started turning the computer off from 9 am until 3 pm. And even then I don't get much of a chance to check my email or anything else until the boys are in bed. This is day 2, and I already feel better about life. Unfortunately, it just means I haven't spent any time on this blog in several weeks. However, I am in the middle of canning tomatoes waiting for the water to boil, so I have some time to burn.

But we did take a trip out to Ohio and Michigan over Labor Day. It was glorious as always even if the weather was less than beach frolicking appropriate. It certainly did not stop John from spending most of his waking hours playing in the sand. It was great to be with family, play in the water briefly, have a bonfire, roast some marshmallows and spend some quality one on one time with my grandparents. I love them dearly.

In Ohio, we spent a few days just hanging with the fam and spending time with my dad. John had a great time playing with his cousins, and I just enjoyed being around my sisters and step mom. The boys did awesome on the drive, so much better than I anticipated. It was a great way to spend the last week of Cam's paid vacation.

I am a bad blogger

2011-08-30T08:23:00.003-05:00

I generally have really good intentions of posting on a regular basis, but my life seems to take precedence over blogging... and I have been out of town. We were in UT for a week with Cameron's family, and it was glorious. There was nature, swimming, chocolate milk, bowling, throwing rocks in the Provo River, puppet making, walks, and all sorts of family and cousin time. Here are a few pics to prove we were there. And should you need a video recap of the vacation, skip on over to my sis in laws blog here.

And on a side note... has anyone watched the BBC Sherlock series on Netflix? It's awesome. Watch it now. You won't be disappointed, except in that there are only 3 episodes and there won't be any more until next year sometime. But don't let that stop you from being obsessed now.

Today

2011-08-10T20:11:00.003-05:00

Some days stand out in my mind as being hard. Hard because everyone seems to be on the brink of a meltdown, including myself. Hard because I realize for not the first time that I am not the mom I want to be and I do things I wish I didn't and although I resolve to change some of those things... they remain like thorns in my heel.

John still doesn't really like Grant. He doesn't like it when he touches him or anything close to him. He doesn't even like it when Grant looks at him sometimes. Sibling dislike is not uncommon, but what makes it so hard is that John is not really like that with anyone else. He is mostly a very loving and sweet boy, except when it comes to Grant. He has kicked him in the face more than once knocking the poor boy over while he was just trying to stand up. Not cool. My protective mother instinct comes out in full force in those moments. I react rather than act. Also not cool.

On the flip side, sometimes John does nice things for him. He has helped him walk across the room a couple of times, which I think is rewarding for both of them. He often goes in first when Grant wakes up from naps to say hello. And sometimes he actually asks that Grant come sit by him... sometimes meaning probably less than a dozen times in the past 10 months. I was really hoping for a better record than that by now.

Lest you think I am completely wallowing in my own self pity, there are positives. Grant took his first steps on Sunday. He's awesome.

I continue to eat chocolate chip cookies almost every night, and I don't generally feel bad about it considering I think I eat pretty healthy the rest of the day.

Grant did sleep through the night once 2 weeks ago... it gives me hope that there are more days like that ahead.

John is still charming and adorable and funny, when he wants to be, which is most of the time and when he's not kicking Grant in the face.

Delicious

2011-07-27T20:51:00.003-05:00

Seriously... can this kid get any more delicious??? I just love him and his vintage romper that belonged to my brother. I realized the other day that although we do have lots of great photos of Grant, I don't have a lot of day to day documentation like I did with John. Let's not start the comparison list of things I did with John that I don't do with Grant. It's depressing. Instead let's talk about how this kid is so delightful, so happy, so enamored with life that being around him is like a ride on the merry go round - fun, memorable and often loud. He's got 3 teeth coming in at once, so today was a bit rough on our red headed babe, but he still managed to laugh it off and walk around a little only holding 1 hand. He's amazing. I love you, Grant.

Little Red Lighthouse

2011-07-21T13:30:00.003-05:00

Have you seen it? Have you read the book? If you live in NYC, you should visit this little treasure. And if you come to visit, skip Times Square, rent a bike and spend the morning/afternoon along the Hudson.

Although it has been unbearably hot the past few days, we decided to get out and go an adventure anyway with our friends, the Salmons. John and Emmi are frenemies... mostly friends, but you know how it is amongst 3 year olds. Getting there was a bit of hike, but we enjoyed the riverside views, throwing rocks in the Hudson, reading the storybook and eating lunch all in the company of the grand Little Red Lighthouse.

I love it when I get to check one of my summer to dos off the list. Still to check... Brooklyn Bridge, Governor's Island, the Intrepid, sailboats in Central Park...

Happy 3rd Birthday to my baby.

2011-07-19T13:50:00.002-05:00

John turned 3 yesterday. We celebrated by going to the beach on Saturday with family, which has become a tradition. I love it, and so does John. I can hardly believe he's 3. Sometimes I look at him and wonder who this little boy is that should be my baby. I love him.

John, we are so glad you were born into our family. I can think of nothing greater than waking up to you and your enthusiasm every day. I love you so much.

A little slideshow of your life is in order to celebrate... not necessarily in chronological order.

Decor

2011-07-13T21:04:00.003-05:00

I wish I was better at decorating my house. I want to live in a place that looks well put together, but it's not in my genes to create such an environment. Someday, I will hire someone to do it for me. But for now, I have my eye on a few things...

I love these wall decals from Land of Nod. My boys are city boys (by default because they were born here), so this seems fitting. Plus it's not robots or dinosaurs or super heroes, so it gets a thumbs up from me.
If I lived in an actual house where I could have a dining room, I would want this farm table (or one like it that wasn't from Pottery Barn) with benches. Rustic, homey... perfect.
These Grey curtains to go with my new duvet cover that I will put on my bed when Grant stops spitting up all over the place (soon, I keep saying, soon). Sorry for the small photo...
And Flor... Cameron and I have a date (not set yet) to go to the newly opened Flor store in Soho to buy this beauty...

je suis...

2011-06-27T20:00:00.002-05:00

Our friends the Jones' are moving to Paris (jealous). They are also some of the coolest people I know. Stanton makes his own shoes and started his own neckwear line. I feel privileged they consider us friends. Our other really cool friends, the Simmons', threw them a going away party. They throw the best parties. They go all out in decor, food and entertainment. Example, jell-o molds, a blindfold find your husband by his legs game, pies galore for 3.14 pie day. You get the picture. This event was no exception. In fact, I think they outdid themselves. Everyone got a striped shirt, beret, mustache and scarf upon arrival. There were baguettes, cream puffs, cheese. There were lights, giant pictures of Rubi and Stanton, Eiffel Tower. And then, the photo booth set up downstairs.

I left feeling like I was 27 again. I don't know what that means other than, I could have been my single self at that party. It was awesome. Kudos to the Simmons' for taking a few years off my life. Cheers for the Jones' for giving us a reason to celebrate albeit a bittersweet one. I will miss them... although I hope to see them next spring on their turf.

Do you like Paris?

2011-06-06T12:42:00.003-05:00

I do. I have friends moving there in 3 weeks. Also, Jordan Ferney of Oh Happy Day is hosting a giveaway for a week in Paris... see here. I want to win. Bad. And that hotel looks amazing.

Perfection.

2011-05-29T19:06:00.006-05:00

We spent the last week in Southern California with some of our best friends. It's hard to have a bad time with people like the Bowens and the Porters. The only thing that would have made it better is a few more days with each. While I have been drafting a more interesting post in my mind, there were so many great moments on film I wanted to share. However, posting all of those photos might take me all night, so I will just provide a sampling.And my dear and talented friend took all of these beauties in a 15 minute photo shoot at her house. Thanks, Rach. You rock my world.

If you see me in the next few days and I look a little melancholy, forgive me. I miss my friends, and I am still wishing I were on an eternal California vacation.

Blocks

2011-05-17T19:52:00.003-05:00

And oh, the blocks... it was a lot of work, and as Cameron said, we could surely have bought some for less than what we spent in wood and labor, but these blocks are awesome. I have to thank my friend Emily for inspiring me to do this project. I thought it was crazy for her to attempt considering the time and resources, but thank to my parents, nieces and nephews, brother and, of course, Cameron, we were able to get it done while we were in Vegas. I don't know who likes them more... me or the boys. I think right now I play with them more than they do :)

We went, we saw a volcano and came back

2011-05-16T19:24:00.008-05:00

In a nutshell, that was Vegas. We spent a week with parents, and it was great fun. John played in the backyard in the dirt and could not have been happier. Cameron and I (and pretty much everyone else in the family including nieces and nephews) made wood blocks for the boys. We went to see the Volcano at the Mirage for John. And we spent a good 2 days at my brothers' house in St. George.

I don't get home too much these days... like once a year, which really isn't enough. Thank goodness for modern technology in the form of gchat so my boys can talk to their grandparents every week. There are way too many photos but here is a sampling...

Who needs DC...

2011-05-03T18:09:00.006-05:00

When you can go to Brooklyn to see cherry blossoms? Mala convinced me to come with her to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens last week to witness the beauty of the blooming cherry blossoms. I'm so glad she did. I have not been there since John was only a few weeks old. We had a great time. John loved running around the grass and trees, smelling the flowers and playing with Mala.And just for fun... this was how little John was the last time we were there. I guess he's grown a little.

Another comparison

2011-04-25T12:56:00.003-05:00

Sometimes John really likes his little brother

2011-04-25T12:23:00.003-05:00

A comparison

2011-04-25T12:18:00.003-05:00

Same spot, same relative season, almost the same age... 2 very different boys.

Easter Sunday

2011-04-25T12:06:00.003-05:00

Amidst a week or more of potentially rainy/cloudy days, Easter morning rose glorious and beautiful, which is just as it should be. Since we have late church, we headed down to Central Park and the Conservatory Gardens to see all the flowers and have a little outdoor lunch. It was a lovely day.

I love my boys

2011-04-11T12:40:00.003-05:00

How awesome is it that my son can sing I am a Child of God all by himself? I love that kid.

And some days, like today, I wish I lived on a hundred acres so he could run around, dig in the dirt, play with bugs and be the free roaming boy he really is.
He's also turning out to be quite the handsome little boy. I bought him his first white shirt and tie, mostly because he has been asking for a tie to be like daddy. He wore it yesterday, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. I don't have a picture because the camera battery was dead, but I will have one next week.
And Grant remains pleasant and delightful and smiley most of the time despite still spitting up all over the place. He still adores John.

Muchness

2011-03-29T13:04:00.003-05:00

We recently watched the Johnny Depp version of Alice in Wonderland again, and I was struck by something the Mad Hatter says to Alice when she is trying to figure out who she is. He tells her she has lost her "muchness." I can't even recall how many times, especially in the past 2.5 years that I have felt I have lost my muchness.

It is a difficult thing for me at times to reconcile my former life with my present one. Many of my friends when telling others about me or introducing me to others say that I have done an Ironman. While this is a true statement, it doesn't seem fitting that that should be the thing that defines me now, especially since I crossed that finish line 8 years ago.

It's so easy as a mother to lose your identity for a while. All the things that used to make me who I was 5 or 10 years ago almost seem like a distant memory or part of some other person. I keep telling myself that I am going to get back to doing xyz... playing the piano, taking more pictures, etc., but my free time is so limited that it often gets swallowed up in meal planning, visiting teaching coordinating, cleaning and some days just breathing and surviving.

That fiesty take no crap from anyone girl I once was today can hardly keep from getting her feelings hurt by her two year old. Having children has made me soft... or maybe it was getting married. Either way, my hard crusty exterior has given way to a squishy tenderheart for better or worse. A few weeks ago while at a friend's birthday party, two of my closest single friends here in the city were telling someone about how I used to be the heart of the single scene here. And I reflected on some tributes I read in the foreword of a book my good friend Justin made for me when I got married that was a compilation of the Muses I had written over the course of 5 years. They all talked about this girl who was vibrant, inclusive, adventurous, witty and always at the center of the social scene. I am bewildered at where that girl has gone.

I don't want to be the center of the singles social scene. I have been there and enjoyed it but have moved on to other things like chasing my 2 year old and attempting to bake bread. I swore years ago that when I got married and had kids that I would not "let myself go" like I had seen so many mothers do. But then there are days (more than I would like to admit) when it's 4 pm and I look in the mirror thinking, "I look like I got run over by a dump truck. I am so sorry that this is what Cameron has to come home to." My hair is a mess. I'm lucky if I have showered. My clothes are not glamorous and probably have spit up stains on them, which means I also probably smell like spit up. My nerves are sometimes frazzled from being spit up on 65 times during the day and trying to get my 2 boys to go to bed without getting up 29 times. When Cameron gets home, I am a disgraceful shell of myself.

And then I look back over my day and try to recall what if any of my to dos actually got done. On a good day, I would say I can cross 2 or 3 things off that list. But piano mostly goes unplayed. I still haven't really learned how to play my guitar. I sadly haven't taken any pictures of my boys let alone anything else. I haven't written anything except the opening sentence to a post that probably won't get finished for another week or two. And that all stinks because these are things that I love doing. But I did play cars with John and help him write the letter "J". I maybe made granola or brioche, or country bread. I probably made dinner and did a couple loads of laundry. I did make Grant laugh. I fed my boys and kept them alive and thriving for another day. Usually, the dishes are done. There were probably adventures, walks or trips to the playground. And often there are visits to people or playdates with friends. And I did read many books about trains or volcanoes or snow or any number of other amazing things. And I did do my best at loving my boys and taking care of them. For that alone, I have to feel like my days are largely successful.

And perhaps that is where my muchness now lies these days, and I should embrace that. I try to. But that doesn't mean I have ceased lamenting the muchness I used to have. And it doesn't mean I feel like a rock star at the end of the day. Most days, Cameron has to remind me what a good job I am doing. It's hard to see that sometimes when your 2 year old tells you he doesn't like you and he doesn't listen even though you have told him to stop spitting/hitting his brother/screaming/throwing toys for the hundredth time that day, or when I have lost my temper or said things I didn't mean/want to, or have made my children cry or at least not been able to soothe them they way I feel like I should. Man, being a mom is hard. But I always did like doing things that were hard... and there lies some of my muchness.

Someday I will let go of that girl who thought she could conquer the world and that she was invincible. And it will probably be right before I leave this world only to discover that I was that girl all along, and that I did conquer the world only in ways I never expected. And someday I will look back on my 30s and think about what a gay old time it really was not even pausing for a second to recall any of the challenges or remembering any of the million tears shed. I will only remember that I was a mom in New York City doing what most moms all over the world are doing - teaching and loving their kids. And maybe, just maybe, someday I will really begin to understand my muchness.

The many faces of Grant

2011-03-24T19:27:00.003-05:00

The Lonely Phone Booth

2011-03-14T13:57:00.003-05:00

John has this book and loves it. He has been asking to go see the Lonely Phone Booth in person (it's on 100th Street), so we had ourselves a little adventure on Friday. He walked the whole way (that's at least a mile both directions), and we were lucky enough to have our good friend Brent join us. We even called Cameron from the phone. John was beyond happy about the whole thing.

Mini Matt Damon

2011-03-01T15:05:00.002-05:00

Friends tell me that John would be the perfect fit if Matt Damon ever needed someone to play him as a younger self. I take that as a compliment for my son. He's handsome... and so is Matt Damon.

Grant

2011-02-28T14:35:00.004-05:00

He's 5 months old. I think I have pictures of me with him from the day he was born, a few times in the first couple weeks, when he was blessed and now. Sad. But he's still adorable.

John, the tender heart

2011-02-25T21:09:00.003-05:00

Despite not paying much attention to his younger brother other than taking toys from him and occasionally poking him in the face, John really does love Grant.

Exhibit A: Notice in the picture above that he is trying to hold Grant's hand, and he asked me if he could hold Grant and take his picture. Nevermind that Grant always has this "deer in headlights" look in every picture. They have matching pajamas (thanks Uncle Jared and Aunt Mari!), which up until recently John wouldn't really wear unless coerced. But once Grant got big enough to wear his, John wanted to be matching. Now, he always wants Grant to wear his blue stripe pajamas if John wears his. Unfortunately, acid reflux prevents Grant from wearing any pajamas more than once before they need to be washed.

Exhibit B and C: Lamby and Bearsy. Next to John's blanket, these are the most important things in John's life. He tucks them in, hugs them, shares things with them, tells them stories. I ask John to do those things with Grant... but he would rather tell a story to Bearsy and Lamby. One step at a time, I guess.

Exhibit D: Buzz Lightyear and Woody (not pictured). Today while I was changing Grant's diaper, I overheard John in the other room with his Buzz and Woody saying, "I love you, too." I peeked out and he had Buzz and Woody hugging.

And just as a proud mama side note: today we were playing over at John's friend Emmi's house. She is one of his besties, but she is also a little rough. Several episodes of hitting occurred today, which resulted in tears from John (partially due to not having a nap today). I think they exchanged hits at one point. After that little episode, I hear John say to Emmi, "I'm sorry Emmi for hitting you. I'm sorry."

He may be 2. He may be a little demon sometimes, but inside that 2 year old defiant, button pushing demon is a little tender heart.

His and Lows

2011-02-21T10:22:00.002-05:00

I potty trained John in January. I tell people it was a major low point of motherhood, but on the flip side... it's a major high, too. It was the hardest 3 days I can remember, but my son came out of it a total rock star. Like everything else he excels in, he just needed to decide he was cool with it and everything went smoothly. Three cheers for John! And three hundred cheers for me for not losing my mind.

The G Man

2011-02-07T15:02:00.003-05:00

Sometimes he looks like this.
And sometimes like this...
But mostly he's like this or smiling, but he never lets me take his picture when he's smiling. I love this little guy.

Dear John

2011-02-01T20:47:00.002-05:00

I don't know why I should have to remind myself so often that you are only 2, but I do. People kept telling me that once Grant was born you would cease to be my baby and would age quickly. I didn't believe them... until now. Sometimes I forget you are only 2 because you talk to me as if you are older. You walk around our house with your toddler feet, but my eyes see someone so much older. It scares me. The next 17 years seem as but a moment, a mere wrinkle in time.

I knelt by your bed tonight as you fell asleep after a bad dream. I stroked your hair and whispered "I love yous" into your ears. I was nearly overcome with longing for the baby you once were, love for the little wonder you are, and admiration for the fine man you will one day become. Why must it go so quickly?

You drive me crazy sometimes, and I often get frustrated, but I hope you will know more than anything else how I adore you, how sometimes my heart aches for the undivided attention I used to give you, how sometimes all I want in the world is to laugh and snuggle and play legos together without interruption. Your dad says you will always by my baby, and I guess in some ways he is right. But you aren't a baby anymore. Your 2 1/2 seems like 20 to me.

I love you dearly.

Snow day

2011-01-27T21:05:00.002-05:00

It has snowed a lot the past few days, and John loves to be in the snow. He has begged every day to play in the snow, which shouldn't be too hard considering we have a little backyard for him to play in, but it's hard with an infant and no back up... but we managed to make it out there today. Grant was only happy in the seat for about 7 minutes, and then I had to put him in the Bjorn at which point he promptly fell asleep. But John and I had fun throwing snow at the walls and each other.

Sometimes...

2011-01-27T20:30:00.005-05:00

I am a mother of 2 gorgeous and delightful boys. I love them more than anything else, husband excepted. I genuinely enjoy being a mother... most of the time, and I am under no false impressions that motherhood is easy. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it stinks. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I end the day in tears. Sometimes I want to lock myself in my room. Sometimes I want to run away to another country. Sometimes I am a little bewildered at my own life. Sometimes I am too tired to be fun, which I hate. Sometimes the deep cleaning doesn't get done... like hardly ever. Sometimes I am just happy that the bathroom and kitchen have the appearance of being clean. Sometimes I wish I could be like some of the other moms I know who are super crafty, design savvy, organized and stylish. Sometimes I look at my single friends and think to myself that they have no idea what they are missing or how hard it really is. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I have been up multiple times and am on the verge of a meltdown, I say things like, "Right now I hate my life." But I never really mean it. Sometimes I get bored when I have been stuck in my house for 4 days straight with little to no adult human contact. Sometimes I think it is unfair that I have had 2 difficult babies with acid reflux who projectile vomit on a daily basis ruining their clothes and mine, crying for hours without explanation or response to comfort. Sometimes I want people to feel sorry for me, but not really. Because my kids are awesome. Sometimes I wish I had a bigger apartment. Sometimes I wish I had more clothes or that Boden would call me and ask me to wear all of their clothes as some kind of US promotion. Sometimes I just want to live the life of the Boden catalog. Is that weird? Sometimes I forget to say my morning prayers... probably more often than I should, and I really hate that because that is probably the one thing that gets me through the day sane. Sometimes I hate how little I play my piano or write or take pictures. Sometimes I read other people's blogs in disgust because they make everything seem so perfect and beautiful and easy... when it's not. Sometimes I really hate my hair and want to do something to change it, but most of the time I am too afraid of anything drastic because I really do like my hair. Sometimes when Grant has been crying for more than 2 hours without being consoled by anything I do, his cries are like nails on a chalkboard and I have to leave the room, but then I remember that he is just a baby and it's not his fault that he suffers. And I feel like a jerk. Sometimes I can't wait for my kids to go to bed, but then I miss them when they sleep so I go check on them periodically just to burn their faces in my memory... and to remind me how truly awesome they are when they are driving me crazy. Sometimes when John has asked to go to the bathroom for the 5th time when he should be in bed asleep and he continues to get up and push my buttons for another hour... I lose it. And then I have to remind myself that he's 2. Sometimes it really irks me that he refuses to kneel or participate or fold his arms for family prayer... but then my husband reminds me that he's 2. Sometimes I really hate doing the dishes because I do them all the time. Sometimes I get really tired of reminding John to say please and thank you and to stop demanding things. Sometimes I forget that my babies are just that... babies. So I am thankful for little reminders of that fact. Sometimes I hate how fast they grow up, well, most of the time I hate it. Sometimes I hate being reminded that I graduated from high school 15 years ago, but mostly I am just astonished by that.

I try not to be a glass half empty kind of person. I appreciate optimism and positive attitudes. But I also appreciate a little honesty now and then. My life is really great. I have a wonderful husband and two handsome and amazing boys. I have much I am grateful for, especially being a mother. But sometimes it's hard. But only sometimes.

I'm tired

2011-01-21T20:58:00.003-05:00

If you have one difficult baby, people always tell you that the next one will be easier. I beg to differ. John was difficult, only because he had acid reflux and was suffering for the first 6 months of his life. Grant is the same, except where John was a good night sleeper, Grant is terrible. Which really means I get 4-5 hours of sleep a night... not consecutively. In some cultures, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Luckily, it's not really Grant's fault and he's cute, which makes it hard to be mad at him even when he's kept me up half the night. I just keep reminding myself that this is a relatively short period of life and babies just have a hard time sometimes. All of Grant's smiles sort of make me forget all the hard times. Thank goodness for baby smiles. And thank goodness for John's enthusiasm. It brightens my day.

4 Babies

2011-01-06T10:11:00.005-05:00

My 3 sisters and I all had babies this year. Probably won't ever happen again... Definitely a reason to get this photo.
This is Grant and his cousin Clark, who is only about 6 weeks younger.

Do you think my step-mom is in heaven? Her life will now be complete.... when my younger brother gets married.

Brothers

2011-01-05T13:50:00.002-05:00

Grant loves his brother. Can you tell?

Blessing Day

2010-12-12T20:55:00.003-05:00

We blessed Grant today in the same kilt John wore only with a sweater. We were soaked by the torrential downpour on our way to church, but sacrament meeting was amazing. We were blessed to have Cam's brother and sister and their families with us as well as good friends - Mike, Brent, Ryan and Jeff. He's official :)

I always like to hear what Cameron blesses our children with. It makes me hopeful. Grant is a good boy, and I love him. I think John does too... he just doesn't know what to do with him yet. And Grant adores John. Ah, brothers.

My mom says I don't blog enough...

2010-12-07T15:36:00.004-05:00

Well, who has time for that with 2 kids, Christmas and a life to live. But here are some pictures our friend Marcus took to appease anyone who is still interested in this blog.

Just before the city freezes over....

2010-11-17T20:06:00.001-05:00

He's a heartbreaker...

2010-11-17T20:02:00.003-05:00

2 steps forward... 1 step back

2010-11-11T20:32:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I successfully taught our weekly preschool co-op to 4 crazy 2 year olds and Grant was a rock star just hanging out on the couch the whole time. He only cried once for 5 minutes. One step forward.

I also took John to the park where we played in the leaves for over an hour and had a wonderful time. While John was burying himself in a massive pile of leaves, a neighborhood kid on his bike rode by and said, "That is so adorable." And then I thought the fact that he noticed and commented on it was even more adorable. Second step forward.

I nearly forgot to brush my teeth yesterday morning... well, I did and didn't realize it until around 2 pm in the afternoon. Sick. That never would have happened before children. One step back.

All in all... we are moving in the right direction.

Mother of Two

2010-10-14T18:32:00.006-05:00

When people ask me what it's like being a mother of 2, I usually respond like this... "One baby rocks your world. Two implodes your universe." In many ways, it's exactly as hard as I thought it would be. In other ways, it's easier. Some days are awesome, everyone is happy, boys are taking naps, I get to rest, dinner gets made, I get to play with John, we get outside, etc. Other days... Grant cries all day, John is unhappy throwing things around the house, throwing things at me, there is no chance dinner is getting made, dishes are piling up, I have been spit up on for the thousandth time, I'm pulling my hair out, tears are coming and when Cameron walks in the door they spill over as I say, "I can't do this."

When it was just John, I could not imagine having another child because I couldn't see how I could possibly love another child they way I loved and adored John. I didn't think I could give the attention I wanted to give to each child. But I knew there were more children to come in this family. Throughout my pregnancy, I was in emotional turmoil over how I would care for a baby while still showering John with the attention I was so used to giving him and enjoyed giving him. I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew our one on one days would come to a swift close and there would be some difficulty adjusting to the new arrangements. Unlike John's pregnancy, Grant didn't get much attention in the womb. Mostly our communication consisted of kicks and pokes- he kicked me and I poked him back. Second children are treated differently... and it starts in the womb.

Luckily, I had Cameron's mom here and then my mom here taking up the first month of Grant's life and our transition into a family of 4. It was nice having an extra person around for damage control and allowing me to spend time alone with John, which really makes all the difference in how he acts. My mom has been gone for more than a week. In that week, there was only one or maybe two days that I felt went well and seamlessly. Those aren't very good odds, but I imagine they will get better with time.

I miss John. I miss the way things used to be. I wasn't really emotionally prepared for how he would treat me after Grant's birth. I was prepared for how he might react to Grant or me holding Grant, but I wasn't prepared for my fall from the pedestal. The boy who used to adore me and run to me and hug me no longer wanted to be with me all the time, threw things at me for no reason and acted out when I couldn't give him the attention he wanted right when he wanted it. The cheerful look in his eyes turned to something entirely different, a look I want to forget. I admit I have cried over this many times in the past month. John is my first, and he will always have that special place. He will always be the only child who got me all to himself for 2 whole years, and he will always be the one who has been with me the longest. It breaks my heart when he doesn't want to hug me or be with me. It breaks my heart when he wants me to hold him and I can't because I am feeding Grant or trying to get Grant to stop crying. This is the part of being a mother of 2 that makes it the hardest thing I have ever done... emotionally.

On the flip side, Grant is often left to cry in the other room longer than I would normally like because I am attending to John. He doesn't get the attention I would give him if there were no other children around, and that makes me sad. When we do have one on one time at the end of the day after John is in bed, I am usually too tired to make the most of it, and that makes me sad too.

Last night was one of those nights that I feared would be the norm... luckily it's not. But there were a lot of tears. Grant was crying of an on for a couple of hours. I couldn't spend any time with John alone. He didn't take a nap and was cranky all afternoon. All I wanted to do was read John some stories and hold him before bedtime, but Grant's crying prevented me from doing even that. By the time Cameron got home, I was a mess. I had been crying, Grant was still crying and then John woke up at 10. I went to get him and he didn't want me to hold him but wanted Cameron instead. There was more crying. I had a headache when I went to bed. I felt like a failure as a mother because I couldn't give either of my children the love and attention I wanted to give them or I felt they deserved. I went to bed with a heavy heart despite my wonderful husband's praise and encouragement.

However, all is well today. John woke up happy and wanted to be with me. Grant has been happy most of the morning. And all is right and good in the world. I am constantly reminding myself that John will not remember how hard this time was and will most likely not be emotionally damaged by it either. People have siblings every day. My husband has eight siblings, and they are all happy and emotionally healthy individuals. Not to mention, they all love each other. So I know this time right now is hard, but in the end no one will really remember how hard. I might a little, but the greatness of what is to come will outweigh the difficulty. And now I know a little more about how our Heavenly Father must feel toward all his children... especially when we choose to seek comfort from someone/something other than him. Motherhood is a joy and a blessing, and I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for this privilege even if it is difficult. I love my boys. And I am happy.

Surrounded by Beauty

2010-10-11T08:24:00.003-05:00

A few photos

2010-10-04T20:28:00.003-05:00

He came

2010-09-27T19:01:00.002-05:00

Grant Driscoll Kelly was born on Sunday afternoon, 26 September 2010, weighing in at 7 pounds, just like his older brother. We are all happy and well. More pics and story to follow.

Domestic Goddess or just insane

2010-09-15T20:20:00.003-05:00

I just finished canning 16 quart jars of tomatoes. Last week I made 13 jars of raspberry freezer jam. I also made 3 loaves of bread this morning and granola to last us another month. In this world of convenience, canning is not necessarily economical when you factor in the time sacrifice and cost of supplies, etc. But it sure does taste better when it hasn't been in a can on a grocery store shelf. Not to mention that I am still getting only 5 hours of sleep a night, and this little boy could decide to come any day now. Maybe that's the reason behind the mad rush...

PS... canning in NYC... not exactly easy. However, I discovered that Zabar's carries Mason jars of all sizes at a reasonable price although not as reasonable as buying a case at Stop 'n Shop in NJ. It's nice to know I don't have to scour the city's hardware stores for overly priced Mason jars. Thank you, Zabar's.

4 am

2010-09-10T03:01:00.003-05:00

It's 4:01 am. I have been awake since 2:30 am. I'm not happy about it. Junior seems to be content being awake and stretching out or maybe he's just as annoyed at being awake as I am. It's been months since I have had a decent night of sleep, and it will be months still before I do. I'm not ready for this guy to come out yet, but I am entirely sick of being pregnant. He has to stay in there for at least 1 more week. I despise being wide awake at this hour.

Lazy

2010-09-09T21:25:00.002-05:00

I'm lazy about blogging... cooking dinner... cleaning... so sue me.

At least John is cute.

Friends

2010-08-30T13:18:00.003-05:00

I pretty much have the best and coolest friends around... don't be jealous. Mala, Mike and Brent were kind enough to come over Saturday morning and help me paint my living room. Cam and John were also very helpful. The extent of my contributions were orange and cinnamon rolls and making sure that John didn't track paint all over the house. It was a successful project. Thank you, friends!!

Because I am not always clear...

2010-08-12T13:23:00.004-05:00

We will be having another one of these in October, and we are hoping he (yes, it is a boy) will be just as charming and adorable as the one we already have. Here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions...

1. No, John is not excited. Rather, he seems to be in denial or just doesn't quite get it. He knows where the baby is if you ask him, but if you mention anything about being a big brother or me having a baby, he will most likely say no.

2. No, we do not have a name for this one yet. We thought we did, but then we questioned ourselves, and now we have nothing.

3. All things being equal (which they aren't) this pregnancy is almost identical to my first. However, because I chase a very active toddler around all day to parks, pools and other adventures, I am much more exhausted than I ever remember being with John. Also, I feel more uncomfortable, but maybe that has something to do with the record high temperatures we have had this summer. Also, I didn't think it possible that any baby could move more than John did in the womb, but this one has surpassed his hyperactivity in utero. I am afraid.

4. No, we (and especially, me) are not ready for number 2. But the best way to become good at something is to just do it. I know I am going to be thrown for a loop, and I haven't even experienced tired yet, but so be it. I am in my thirties and this is the decade of sacrifice. I will probably have a harder time adjusting to the new baby than John although it might not seem like it outwardly.

5. Yes, I am still running. My brother in law pointed out so candidly a month or so ago that I look weird running with this torpedo belly out front, but whatever. He's right. It does look weird, but at least I am still running at 32 weeks. Some days are better than others. Most commonly I am asked if it's uncomfortable. This is my response. Is running comfortable in general? Is pregnancy comfortable? You make the connection.

Cameron has told me on more than one occasion that I should have made more of an effort to let people know that I was pregnant. I didn't really. I figured most people would just figure it out over time because I am not the type to really make a public announcement or post ultrasound pictures. So this is as close to a formal announcement as I get... at 32 weeks. Go me.

Trifecta 2

2010-08-12T13:16:00.003-05:00

Last year, we had a little trifecta birthday party for John and his two friends Lola and Darwin. All three were born within a month of each other, and we mothers met randomly in the first weeks of their lives. We have been friends since. We don't see them as much these days since Lola moved uptown and now Darwin and family will be moving to Rochester on Monday. Boo. So we had one last hurrah for the kiddos. There were balloons. There were cookies. There were smiles. And, of course, John was sans clothing.

Dear Williams-Sonoma,

2010-07-29T20:02:00.002-05:00

I have long been a fan of your store. It has all the things I never knew I could have but didn't really need. If I didn't live in a NYC apartment where space is a premium, I might own all of the amazing gadgets on your shelves. I love the ones I do have and definitely use them enough to have made them worth any money spent on them.

I received a KitchenAid blender for my wedding 3 years ago, and it quickly became one of the most used gifts we received as well as one of the most popular items in our kitchen. Last summer, without notice, it gave up the ghost while making a smoothie. I was heartbroken. It was past warranty, so I took it back to your store and you graciously replaced it with a brand new one. I was won over yet again.

Off I went cradling my new blender on one side and my not quite one year old on the other to make more fruit smoothies. We loved it just as much as the first until we started to notice signs of an impending death. This time our beloved blender gave up the ghost after only a year. What was I to do? I had read the book, cleaned it properly, always used the ice crush function where required. I sent my charming and likable husband back to your store to see what could be done. I was certain we would be told we were out of luck. But, no, once again you took back the deceased blender and gave us a store credit for the full amount. On top of that, the manager assisting my sweet husband explained that this particular blender was really not designed to handle making smoothies and recommended something a little better. It would cost a little more but would handle our smoothie making needs.

So now we have a fancy new blender. It does make the best smoothies. And I am even more convinced that Williams-Sonoma hasn't forgotten about their customers. Yes, it can be expensive at times, but the expense is worth it. I am a customer for life. Thank you, Williams-Sonoma.

Sincerely,

one happy customer drinking a very smooth smoothie

My Neverland

2010-07-23T19:04:00.002-05:00

Pentwater, Michigan

Johno turns 2

2010-07-23T18:40:00.004-05:00

It's hard to believe that he went from this to this to this...He is a joy and a pleasure in every way, and there are no words to describe how much I love him. So glad he's part of our family. Happy Birthday!

Seabright Beach

2010-07-23T18:30:00.003-05:00

We went to the beach in New Jersey last weekend with our friends the Caceres' and had such a lovely time. There really is no where else to spend a 95 degree day in NYC. John, of course, loved every minute of playing in the waves, which was fun for us, too.

Happiness

2010-07-14T08:08:00.003-05:00

Spent two weeks in OH and MI with family and got a surprise visit from Cameron over the 4th weekend just when we were desperately pining for him. These are the faces of happiness.

Simple Pleasures

2010-06-10T20:15:00.004-05:00

Sometimes we like to go on adventure walks, and sometimes we like to throw rocks into the ravine. And sometimes we just like to explore, discover and run through wet grass. I like my son. I think I was destined to be a mother of boys.

A resourceful man and a few favorites

2010-06-10T20:00:00.004-05:00

You can tell it's been a month since I uploaded photos from my camera to the computer because I am posting 4 times in one day. On Memorial Day, Cameron had one of his really good ideas (Cameron has lots of really good ideas. I only veto some of them.) He wanted to make a little grill out of a can, and there was success. Ian and Allison came over to enjoy said barbecue, and we feasted on hot dogs, baked beans and smores. We finished the evening reading some of John Henry Kelly's World War II memoirs in honor of him and remembering all those who have fought for our freedoms and rights. And, yes, we have used the can grill since, and we will probably use it again.And I just love these pictures of John.
This is what John looks like after I let him play around the park without worrying what he's getting into. Let's just say he went to straight to the tub, and then I had to scrub the tub.

We like each other

2010-06-10T19:53:00.002-05:00

On Sundays, we like to take walks especially when it's beautiful out. We decided to take different route a couple weeks ago and walked along the river. It was hot but so lovely. We ended up hanging around Riverside Park for a while in the shade while John threw leaves, collected rocks and wore himself out running around. John may not be overly affectionate or cuddly, but he knows how to melt his mom and dad's hearts with a kiss.

Boys like dirt

2010-06-10T19:42:00.003-05:00

I threw a baby shower for my friend Carrie a couple of weeks ago, and I just barely uploaded all the photos even though I have been thinking about for the last 2 weeks. Thought I would share a few photos. Thanks to Liza for the circle wall decals and Cameron for helping me refine my stick decoration idea. The cupcakes had crumbled up chocolate on top with rock candy to look like rocks and dirt, because that's what boys like... at least that's what my boy likes. And a special thanks to John for collecting all the rocks and sticks for the party. Congrats Carrie and Erik!

The Help

2010-06-05T12:53:00.002-05:00

I just finished this book for book club, and I suggest anyone who reads this blog go pick it up and read it too. I am not usually one for recommending books, especially contemporary literature, but this book really had me thinking about a lot of things, not just race relations.

Never mind that I grew up in a different era in a different part of the country with a different upbringing. I appreciated the reminder that skin color is just that...skin color.

Sometimes I hate Anthropologie

2010-06-01T18:02:00.004-05:00

I got the catalog in the mail the other day. And then I looked through it. And I wanted so many things. Like...

And sadly... I can afford none of them at this juncture. Anthropologie is a luxury I have not indulged in except in my dreams. Someday, may those dreams become a reality.

A new rug

2010-05-27T18:52:00.002-05:00

I want this rug for John's room. It's from SkipHop, and it's foam. Ideal for anywhere a little boy might be playing, spilling, walking, etc.

I just can't decide which color...

Sundays in the Park with John

2010-05-18T18:35:00.005-05:00

Sunday was a gorgeous day, and we like to spend gorgeous days outside. We decided to take a walk to the Conservatory Gardens in Central Park but that meant oh so much more. It meant throwing rocks in the Meer. It meant flowers and splashing in the fountains. It meant running at full speed. It meant climbing on rocks with dad. It meant playing catch with a rock (it always seems to throw the ball back). And it meant relaxing. I love Sundays in the park with John. Come to think of it, I love any day in the park with my boys.

Some things I love today

2010-05-13T18:31:00.005-05:00

In my effort to be grateful... here are a few things that have brightened my life recently...

These amazing Vanilla Bean Scones from the Pioneer Woman. I made them without the glaze and loved every bite. I wish I could say that the entire batch was eaten equally by myself, husband and boy... but I would be lying. I would also be lying if I said I didn't dream about eating them every night.These wall decals on Etsy. I have been trying to create a more homey environment and these have enamored me.This boy.And this one.

Just some thoughts

2010-05-05T13:58:00.004-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a friend at the park who I had not seen for a while. John and I had been playing near the Harlem Meer on a sunny afternoon, and she said I always looks so calm and casual while she seemed so frazzled all the time. As we parted ways, I thought about how nice it is that to the general public I come across so calm and unfrazzled. I did mention to her that things can be quite different when I am within the confines of my own home and that I can be a totally stress case, but she didn't really believe me.

I have thought about that a lot in the past few weeks. People are always saying how they hate blogs that are dripping with sweetness and perfection, and I have to agree. No one has a perfect life although I do believe you can choose to be optimistic among the pitfalls. This blog has never been about documenting every truthful thing that happens in my day to day life. Mostly it is about stuff that makes me smile, which for the past 2 years has been John. In an effort to not be hypocritical to my message about visiting teaching a few weeks ago when I said that even people who seem like they haven't a care in the world probably have things they struggle with that no one ever knows about, I wanted to share a few thoughts. In essence, there isn't one person on this planet that doesn't need a friend. And just because some of us don't broadcast every tragedy, irritation, misfortune or triumphal overcoming on our blogs or in our every day conversation does not mean that those things aren't happening.

I had an experience worth sharing recently. The past few months have been difficult for me for one reason or another, and I do not see the smoke clearing at this juncture. And at times, as I am prone to do, when I let difficult things overshadow the good, my thoughts become negative. This can be a downward spiral into misery where nothing seems to be going right and life has thrown me more than my "fair" share of challenges, which is not necessarily true. I was in the midst of one of these quicksand like pity parties a few weeks ago, when a very important prompting entered my weary brain. I was coming back from running with a friend when suddenly a phrase from the scriptures came to mind... "Remember the great things the Lord has done for you." I immediately began to recall many blessings in my life some recent and some not so much. It helped lift my spirits. It wasn't but 2 or 3 days later that I came across the actual scripture while reading one night in Nephi that reads, "How is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us?" Thank you for that gentle chastisement, Heavenly Father, via Nephi. Perhaps the best way for me to ease my mind, feel at peace and relinquish my white knuckle grip on control is to remember. How often those words are repeated in the scriptures and how often we still forget.

That scripture plays out in my mind several times a day now. It's what gives me hope and helps me to know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It keeps me from embarking on the downward spiral into self pity, negativism and misery. I am not a miserable person. In fact, I like to think I am a rather cheerful person, but I do get stressed out perhaps more than some people. Blame it on being a control freak, a worry wart, or any other lame excuses. The truth is I have a hard time letting go of the reins. I am always trying everything I can possibly think of to make sure my horse doesn't go galloping off into oblivion, sometimes to a fault. Letting go of the reins and trusting that the horse will go where it is supposed to go is one of my biggest challenges. But that doesn't mean I have to let that weary me. Gratitude is a cure for selfishness and pity. And today I choose to be grateful.

John's anatomy lesson

2010-04-27T18:55:00.003-05:00

Springtime Envy

2010-04-13T12:00:00.005-05:00

We love spring in NY, at least the spring like days we dream about all winter that are gorgeous, warm and full of beauty. We have enjoyed a few of those over the past week, so we did what any self-respecting New Yorker would do and spent them outside.My good friend Mala was in town over the weekend, so we spent Friday afternoon near Bethesda Fountain, riding the carousel and watching John climb the structures in the sandbox. And since it was still lovely out yesterday, Cameron met John and I at the great lawn where we enjoyed a picnic (well, Cameron and I did), while John ran all over the lawn trying to accost other people's playing balls. He managed to find a softball without an owner and it was like finding a treasure. We walked partway home by the reservoir along our favorite path where the trees are in full bloom. It never lasts long enough, so I am glad we were able to make it happen. Thanks to some nice folk out for a leisurely stroll along the same path, we were even able to document the event.

And lastly, John has a new love for the bus. He would ride it all day long if he could. We actually rode on the bus 4 times yesterday, which is a record for us, but he was in heaven.

The Many Faces of John

2010-04-11T20:04:00.002-05:00

B is for Brooklyn

2010-04-09T18:37:00.002-05:00

It's been so beautiful out lately that I wanted a different kind of adventure for us than just visiting yet another playground. (Am I really saying this already when summer hasn't even started?) So last Friday I took John to walk (he rode) over the Brooklyn Bridge and to enjoy some downtime on the other side. Since he refused to take a nap before we left, he conveniently took one during our walk over, which saved me a lot of stress because of the sheer number of people who were on it that day thanks to Good Friday and Passover. We enjoyed a 30 minute wait in line for superior strawberry ice cream and had an all around good time on the other side of the river.

Easter

2010-04-05T19:54:00.004-05:00

It was a perfect day... 75 degrees, family, Conference, good food, chocolate souffle, walks in nature and a happy boy. If only all days could be like this.

A wish

2010-03-30T18:33:00.001-05:00

John, may you always love balloons, sunshine and the outdoors. I love you.

All hail Queen Liza

2010-03-23T20:47:00.003-05:00

I have the best sister in law. Really. When Cameron and I were dating and I met a few members of his family for the first time, Liza being one of them, he told me after that she would be the hardest to please. I am glad he waited until after to tell me that. But she is pretty much the coolest person around. She has a great blog where she documents her adventures in New Jersey with her adorable girls, but she also makes these wonderful birthday tributes. I tell you, she makes me sound downright amazing. I was getting a little envious of myself. Sometimes it's fun to see the way other people see you. Thanks Lize, for letting me see myself through your eyes. That was a wonderful birthday present. When I grow up, I want to be like Liza.

My husband is amazing

2010-03-16T11:33:00.002-05:00

Last year, we went to my good friend Rachel Thurston's wedding in California. Cameron took some Super 8 footage to make into a wedding movie as a gift. Despite not finishing it until their 1st anniversary, it turned out amazing. You can watch it here.

A sobering reminder

2010-03-04T19:10:00.002-05:00

I learned yesterday that a girl who lived upstairs from me at BYU recently passed away. I checked her blog on occasion after learning a couple years ago that she found out she had cancer while she was pregnant with her third baby. I was mesmerized by the story of how she wouldn't abort the baby despite putting her life in serious risk. Her baby was delivered at 30 weeks and she immediately underwent serious chemo treatments and even surgery. Her baby was fine and then in time in appeared that the cancer had been beaten.

Unfortunately, Catie passed away a little over a week ago leaving a husband and three young children. Her husband posted his eulogy here, and I think it is an inspiring and touching read. Although I did not know Catie well, I feel blessed to have even been touched by her life briefly. I am amazed at how some people remain optimistic, hopeful and strong during the most trying, challenging and defeating times. She is an example to me, and I only hope I can be a fraction of what she was in her young life.

After reading the eulogy last night almost in tears, I thought about how much she loved her children and made the most of every day she had despite feeling weak or sick or overwhelmed. Certainly she had hard days and days when she didn't feel she could go on, but her love for her family gave her courage and strength. I think that is a legacy any one of us would wish to pass on. I imagine her children will remember her as a strong and faithful woman, and despite their young age, they will know how much their mother loved them.

I am reminded at how fragile life really is. No one knows how long she/he will be alive. I could be gone tomorrow or next week, and the question always seems to be, "Did my family really know how much I loved them?" I often wonder why it is so hard for me to express love to my family of all people. Of course, I love them, more than I ever admit. Maybe it's pride. Maybe it's personality. Whatever it is, it's stupid. I am grateful for every day I am granted breath and life. I am grateful for the moments I get to spend with my husband and son and pray those moments will be long.

One more snow day

2010-03-01T14:24:00.003-05:00

Winter is no longer welcome here... but we have at least tried to enjoy the snow regardless. John seems to think it's by far one of his best discoveries.

Dear John...

2010-02-19T19:31:00.003-05:00

I adore you. I also find you exasperating at times. It's not really your fault my patience meter is running low, and admittedly sometimes I find your moments of exasperation to be endearing. I only wish I was thinking about how endearing they are at that very moment. You beg to be held sometimes, which drives me crazy because you are no longer a lightweight, but I also love holding you. I know the days are numbered when you will do this. Someday you won't even want me to touch you... I dread those days.

But right now, I am still the center of your universe. I love the way you light up in the morning when you see me, especially when I don't get you out of bed. I love the way you get excited at just the thought of going outside. You are a man of the outdoors, which makes me wish we lived on a farm or somewhere surrounded by acres of nature. Perhaps you are not the urban lover I am although I am finding my love for the urban lifestyle changing as you grow older. I love your enthusiasm for life and everything that comes with it... food, podcasts, books, toys, snow, puddles, your new green rubber boots. Everything is so exciting to you and it shows in your face and your whole body. I hope that never changes.

It's hard to believe you are on your way to being 2. How is it possible that you have grown so fast and yet you are still my baby boy? I see pictures of you all small and cuddly, and it doesn't seem that long ago. Thankfully, you have become more affectionate with age, and I do so enjoy your hugs, kisses and smiles. They make my day. You are my firstborn and because of that you will always have a special place in my heart. Whatever siblings may come in the future will be lucky to have you as their older brother.

Thank you for forgiving me daily for my impatience and not understanding you. I respond to your talking because I want you to know that I am listening even though I have no idea what you are saying most of the time. Surely, you are thinking to yourself how ridiculous I must be for responding with something that has nothing to do with what you said. I promise to get better, and I know your words are coming ever so quickly. Forgive me for forgetting what it's like to be you. I try not to. And forgive me for being tired some mornings when you have been up in the night and then get up early. Apparently, I am no longer a rock star on little sleep. Just know that I love you even when I am cranky.

John, I adore you. When you go to sleep, I am relieved because I have some time to get things done, but after about an hour I am missing you. I can't help but go into your room and look at you sleeping so peacefully. I wonder what you are dreaming about, and I wonder if you miss me too. I have enjoyed every minute we have had together so far and feel so fortunate that I get to spend my days with you. You are the only child I will have that will have the undivided and individualized attention you have had. I will remember it always even though you will only know it through photos. I still like to think it creates a bond between us.

I love you madly. I can't help it.

So much to tell you...

2010-02-09T19:48:00.003-05:00

We've been gone for a couple of weeks for a wedding and some family time. It was splendid to be back west with our families. A few highlights to begin...

It was for these 2 lovelies that we made the trip. Sam and Chas were married in the Draper temple on Saturday, January 28th. Awesome wedding...And we wore these fabulous colors. It all came together so nicely thanks mostly to Liza.And we ate at this incredible restaurant. Provo finally has somewhere worth eating, and I can actually say that it is New York worthy. Way to go Colton and crew. Communal is fantastic.And I got to spend so much time with these handsome devils.More about Vegas to come...

Happiness

2010-01-21T13:57:00.005-05:00

My sister Mallory tagged me to make a list of 10 things that make me happy. I don't normally respond to tags, but happiness is something I can get behind. In no particular order...

1. these 2 boys... not only are they adorable and funny and generally pleasant to be around... they are my whole world.2. Chocolate Chip Cookies... either from Levain Bakery or homemade by me right out of the oven. Yum. I want some right now.3. Local food, CSA's and raw milk. Yes, I said raw milk.
4. Central Park. There are no words right now for why. I just love it.5. Good food. Made this recipe the other night and have been dreaming about it ever since.6. Traveling. So many places yet to go but have loved all the places I have been. I would love to go here again, or here or here or here...7. My Kitchenaid. I use it almost every day. I don't really know how I would get along without it.8. The internet. I honestly can't remember life before it and hope I never have to go back to encyclopedias.
9. Costco. Cameron and I keep thinking we should buy stock in it. We love it that much.
10. My classic movie collection... Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, Frank Capra.

Little Chef

2010-01-12T19:35:00.002-05:00

JH loves the kitchen. He loves everything in the kitchen. When I am cooking, he always wants to help, and lately he will pull a chair up to the counter with mixing bowl and whisk in hand to offer his services. I usually let him dump the flour into the bowl or stir supervised, but I decided on Sunday morning that he deserved a chance to do it himself. So we made pancakes together. I put the ingredients in the bowl and he mixed it up. He did a pretty good job and didn't make too big of a mess. Now all he wants to do is stir. He got some additional practice after church with some flour, water and salt. It was fun until he tried to eat it.

Also, there is no mistaking it... this is my son. He loves cookies... almost to tears.

2010-01-09T14:16:00.003-05:00

This made me weep yesterday... several times. I found it via my friend Rachel's blog as I believe they are friends. As I read Natalie's words, I was overcome with admiration for her strength and foresight, but my heart ached at her loss.

Before going to bed, JH woke up crying. I rushed into his room and scooped him up wiping his tears and holding him close. Holding him the way Natalie should have been holding her sweet baby boy. I held him for Natalie. I kissed him for Natalie. And I thank her for inspiring me to be a better mother.

Letters I have been meaning to write...

2010-01-05T13:18:00.002-05:00

Dear Silvermoon Bakery: thanks for that burned cookie a while back. I used to love your establishment, but it seems burned cookies are now the it thing. I'm not sure I will be coming back.

Dear Community Food and Juice: I love you. Glad you are back.

Dear Banana Republic: I am not a size 2. I haven't been a size 2 since before I was a freshmen in high school. Please fix your sizes so they are accurate. And you have a rather rude manager at your store on Broadway and 67th. Please remove him from your payroll. Thanks.

Dear Costco: Long may you reign. Thanks for coming to Harlem.

Dear US Government: You should try to employ people who at least look like they are happy to have a job and can at least try to act cordial. I have had little success with kindness at the libraries and post offices in my neighborhood. I'm not sure why people who work for the government are always so sour and disgruntled, but perhaps you should take note.

Dear Obama, Freelancers Union and anyone else who has some say in healthcare reform: Please do something about the cost of healthcare for the average person. Not everyone has employer paid or provided healthcare, and paying out the nose for mediocre insurance so I would still have to pay $16000 out of pocket if I were to have another baby is unacceptable. I'm tired of my taxes paying for someone else to have babies for free. Fix it without making a complete mess of it or making it like other government institutions. For examples, visit your local DMV or see previous letter.

Dear Kevin and Khaliel Kelly: Thanks for having Cameron 34 years ago. I like him, and I'm glad he's mine.

Dear Con Edison: I hate your monopoly and I wish you would stop robbing me every month.

Dear Central Park: I miss you. Sorry I haven't been to see you everyday, but I still love you more than any other park. Thank you for loving me back.

Dear Winter: Thanks for coming, now please do not overstay your welcome. It makes me dislike you ever so much. I'm already tired of being frozen daily.

Dear Google: When you finally take over the world, please remember that I have been loyal.

Dear Apple: Thanks for understanding why it took so long for me to come around. I love you. Thanks for making the world of computing and technology enjoyable and less complicated.

Dear JH: You are by far the coolest and most marvelous little human being. Thanks for being part of my family and letting me hang out with you all the time. May you always love me as much as you do now. Thanks for making me smile and making every day a perfect gem.

Dear 2010: It's about time you got here and kicked 2009 to the curb. As much as I liked 2009, I hope you have better things in store for us. Keep it real and make it good.

The perfect Christmas Eve

2009-12-25T19:21:00.006-05:00

An Angel Tree, a walk through the park, snow play and gingersnaps at the Christmas market. I love NYC. Merry Christmas!

The Visitor

2009-12-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

We just watched this movie the other night, and I liked it a lot... except it made me kind of angry. I guess they succeeded in getting the right reaction out of me. If you haven't seen it, I think you should, so I won't go ruining the plot. However, I will tell you it is about immigration, deportation, friendship, acceptance, etc...

When it was over, I turned to Cameron and said, "Why do we deport good people who actually work and make money and don't rely on the government to take care of them? I think those people should stay and we should ship the lazy government moochers to places like Iran, Syria or Pakistan where their rights are severely diminished and there is no one there willing to take care of them or cater to their laziness."

Do you think I'd get elected? I didn't think so. Watch this movie. Perhaps you would agree with me.

My boy likes a lamb in a dress

2009-12-11T21:01:00.001-05:00

He hugs it, kisses it, carries it around and tries to feed it his milk. He can be affectionate afterall. Huzzah!

Questions answered

2009-12-09T09:46:00.002-05:00

We didn't leave Harlem... only moved about a half mile away from our old place.

If you want the new address, please email me at nikkipkelly (at) gmail (dot) com.