tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-186051122024-03-12T22:19:56.849-05:00Musingsnikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17322367787229990750noreply@blogger.comBlogger450125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-7876525928705057672013-04-29T21:08:00.003-05:002013-04-29T21:09:29.339-05:00Spring in the CityYesterday some friends had a picnic in the park near the cherry blossoms on the west side of the reservoir. It was a lovely day, perfect for good friends, good food and beautiful blossoms. Mostly the boys ran around trying to climb trees and dig in the dirt. They were filthy by the time we left. Fiona spent most of the time in my arms due to feeling under the weather. But I actually took the camera with me this time to take a couple shots.<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-21719244652264624732013-04-09T19:31:00.001-05:002013-04-09T19:31:09.331-05:00What's for dinner?It's sometimes hard to come up with a week's worth of menus all at once, but it keeps me on budget and on track, otherwise we may end up eating cereal for dinner. I have to know what I am making so that I can plan it into my day.<br />
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Tues: <a href="http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/quinoa_mango_black_bean_salad.html" target="_blank">Quinoa salad with Mango and Black Beans</a> (I add lime juice and a little honey to the sauce)<br />
Wed: <a href="http://www.annies-eats.com/2011/11/09/roasted-garlic-mac-and-cheese/" target="_blank">homemade macaroni and cheese</a> with steamed/roasted broccoli (loosely based on this recipe)<br />
Thurs: <a href="http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all-recipes/turkey-burgers-grated-zucchini-carrot-10000001617870/index.html" target="_blank">Turkey Burgers</a> with homemade fries and cucumbers<br />
Fri: <a href="http://iowagirleats.com/2012/09/27/crock-pot-chicken-tacos-with-mexican-rice/" target="_blank">crockpot chicken tacos</a> with spanish rice and salad<br />
Sat: Pizza and arugula salad<br />
Sun: <a href="http://www.loveandlemons.com/2012/10/08/sesame-ginger-chickpea-cakes/" target="_blank">Chickpea Cakes</a> with Roasted Cauliflower and salad<br />
Mon: Carrot Soup (John loves this and requests it, so I make it a lot)nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-39743006004167774472013-04-06T13:15:00.000-05:002013-04-06T13:15:00.153-05:00It's been a whileI often have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head. A lot. I am my own worst critic. I judge everything I do, and often unfairly. At 35, I have a lot of the same insecurities I did when I was in junior high. You would think that 20 years would give me a better perspective on myself, but alas I seem to be a product of those formative years. It makes me wonder if I will ever get over some of those things.<br />
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I think I beat myself up daily over what kind of mother I am. I think I do a lot of things right, but I also think I do a lot of things wrong. The hard part comes when I see the things I want to change, and I really want to change them, but I can't seem to change them because of ingrained habit or upbringing or who knows what. I love my kids. I love them a lot. Sometimes I am too hard on them. Sometimes I expect too much out of them. I yell at them way more than I would like to. I'd like to not yell at all. Sometimes I treat them like they are 10 years older than they are rather than like the small little humans they really are. And at the end of the day, I look back on things I did, things I said, the reactions I got or didn't get, and it makes me want to cry. I often do.<br />
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I look at other moms I admire and wonder how they can be so loving and patient and kind with their kids. Of course, I know I don't see everything, just the way people who believe I am that kind of mother don't see everything that happens in my house. I compare myself sometimes to other people, much the way I did in junior high. It's kind of ridiculous and unfair. I know I do a lot of things right. I try to teach my kids and play with them and take them out to enjoy different parts of the city. I get them outside to enjoy the sun and fresh air. We learn and we create. But sometimes I wonder if at the end of the day, they know I really and truly love them, which is the most important thing I could have them know. Did I hug them enough or hold them when they asked? Did I tell them I loved them? Or was I too busy making dinner or cleaning up messes? When I realize it was so much of the latter, I want to cry. And often do.<br />
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It's a tough balancing act, this role of motherhood. It's so thankless and and yet I get little rewards throughout the day when my kids tell me they love or when I got spontaneous hugs and kisses. I struggle to know how much discipline they need and how much freedom to just be kids they should have.<br />
<br />
I can hardly believe I am 35 years old. How did that happen? Twenty some odd years ago, I was a skinny junior high kid, who learned a difficult lesson. Girls can be very mean. Friendships are hard. And being vulnerable and open takes practice. That one took me about a decade or two to figure out. I had a couple of god girlfriends when I started junior high, but over the course of the year, those friends turned on me and turned so many others against me, and I never understood why. I had to sit by myself on the bus. I had to walk to the bus stop by myself when I had once walked with these friends. They left nasty notes in my locker and teased me. It made going to school really hard. It made going to church really hard. I cried a lot. That must have been really hard for my mom. I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted to know if I had done something wrong.<br />
<br />
Sometime after the school year was over, they apologized and we were friends again. But the same thing happened the following year and then the year after that. It was torturous. By the middle of my 8th grade year, I became hardened and indifferent. I didn't want to be friends with them. I wanted them to leave me alone, so I could move on and make other friends. In my heart, I had forgiven them, but I didn't want to be around them. It was all so stupid.<br />
<br />
As high school commenced, we put all that ridiculous behavior behind us, and we were friends once again. And we have been ever since. I actually consider them 2 of my dearest and longest friends. I admire them as women and mothers. They are beautiful and wonderful people. But that experience made me insecure about friendships with girls. That has never gone away. I was always better friends with guys, never felt judged by them or felt a need to compete or impress them. It has always been that way. But even now, at 35, I am often insecure about my female friendships. I don't have a lot of really close friends. The ones I do have, I have probably had for more than a decade, and if you ask any one of them, they would tell you that it probably took a long time for me to really open up about things that were really personal and important.<br />
<br />
As I find myself a happily married woman with three beautiful and wonderful children that I adore. They take up about 110% of my time and energy, which makes it difficult to invest in new friendships, but that doesn't mean I don't crave female friends. I do. I am a woman. I am programmed to thrive on female friends. Most of my good friends have moved away, which makes spending time together difficult. Having kids makes communication difficult because it is hard to talk on the phone or send emails when they are awake. I have a lot of good mom friends, but mom friends are not the same as friend friends. I love them for their example and the validation and companionship they give me through this time of motherhood, but I often miss that deep connection I had/have with my good friends. And I find that I get insecure around them. I feel left out often and wonder how so many of them have managed to connect and become good friends. It's like junior high all over again.<br />
<br />
But this is where I am in my life and would not want to be anywhere else. I am happy to be a mother and to devote my time and attention to these little humans that have been given to me. Their happiness is my happiness. I would not want to go back to being single. This has tested me in ways I never knew possible. But my joy is full because of my family. All things will work themselves out in time. Meanwhile, I am truly grateful for those women I call friends, true friends, whether near or far. Their love and support and genuine interest in my life mean the world to me.<br />
<br />
<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-58643600766552069212013-04-02T08:39:00.001-05:002013-04-02T08:47:28.341-05:00What's for dinnerI totally forgot to post last week, so here is what I made last:<br />
<br />
Tues: <a href="http://mrshardingcooks.blogspot.com/2012/03/craisin-walnut-quinoa-salad.html" target="_blank">Quinoa with craisins and broccoli</a><br />
Wed: <a href="http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/01/tomato-sauce-with-butter-and-onions/" target="_blank">Pasta with tomato sauce</a><br />
Thurs: <a href="http://www.marthastewart.com/967829/slow-cooker-garlic-chicken-couscous?xsc=eml_edfsc_2013_03_06&om_rid=Nsr$w3&om_mid=_BRN0w8B8xJQGM4" target="_blank">slow cooker garlic chicken and couscous</a><br />
Fri: pizza<br />
Sat: <a href="http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/04/classic-cobb-salad/" target="_blank">Cobb salad</a> and homemade bread<br />
Sun: roast beef in crock pot <br />
Mon: carrot soup<br />
<br />
And here's what I'm making this week:<br />
Tues: <a href="http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all-recipes/ravioli-with-brown-butter-and-sage-recipe-00000000028132/index.html" target="_blank">cheese ravioli with brown butter, sage, apples and walnuts </a>with sautéed zucchini<br />
Wed: <a href="http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2013/04/hawaiian-fried-rice.html" target="_blank">Hawaiian fried rice</a><br />
Thurs: chicken curry and green beans<br />
Fri: sweet and sour ground pork meatballs over rice<br />
Sat: <a href="http://www.wholeliving.com/130293/creamy-broccoli-white-bean-soup" target="_blank">creamy broccoli and white bean soup</a><br />
Sun: mozzarella, tomatoes and basil sandwiches with salad<br />
Mon: leftovers or quiche or macaroni and cheesenikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-56054546067397571772013-03-18T17:54:00.001-05:002013-03-19T19:26:52.757-05:00What's for dinnerSometimes I cater to my kids' requests because they don't make that many when it comes to dinner, we had hot dogs and broccoli on Saturday instead of chili. That pushed things back a day, which is cool by me. So here's what we are eating this week: <br />
<br />
Mon - <a href="http://food52.com/recipes/10062-potato-tart-with-gruyere-bacon-and-rosemary" target="_blank">potato tart</a> and asparagus<br />
Tues - <a href="http://www.skinnytaste.com/2013/02/crock-pot-sesame-honey-chicken.html" target="_blank">crockpot sesame honey chicken</a> and carrots over rice (<i>it was good. Not awesome, but good. I roasted the carrots, which were lovely. When I make this again, I might have to make some adjustments to make it awesome, but it gets a thumbs up for being easy and practically hands free.)</i><br />
Wed - <a href="http://www.annies-eats.com/2013/03/07/broccoli-pesto-pasta/" target="_blank">broccoli pesto pasta </a><br />
Thurs - <a href="http://www.onelovelylife.com/?p=3118" target="_blank">honey lime tilapia </a>with green beans and rice<br />
Fri - waffles and smoothies (it's my birthday so I reserve the right not to cook anything fancy)<br />
Sat - <a href="http://www.loveandlemons.com/2013/03/11/shells-brussels-sprouts/" target="_blank">Brussels and shells </a><br />
Sun - <a href="http://realmomkitchen.com/287/ranch-house-crock-pot-pork-chops-with-parmesan-mashed-potatoes/" target="_blank">ranch house pork chops</a> in the crock pot with mashed potatoes<br />
Mon - <a href="http://www.annies-eats.com/2011/08/25/corn-cakes-with-tomato-avocado-relish/" target="_blank">corn cakes with avocado tomato relish</a><br />
<br />
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nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-7576494069800971072013-03-12T09:19:00.001-05:002013-03-12T09:19:55.621-05:00What's for dinner?My blog is sad. Sorry. But I had a thought that I would start posting my weekly dinner menu because maybe there is someone out there who needs a good dinner idea like I do sometimes. And if not, it's a good record for me. <br />
<br />
I was at Trader Joes yesterday getting a few staples ( alone, I might add, which was heavenly despite the crowd), and I decided last minute that I didn't want to go grocery shopping again this week. I didn't have a menu plan so I just thought of what I already had and what I could get at TJs, so here it is. <br />
<br />
Mon - chicken soup and bread<br />
Tues - red Thai curry with beef and snap peas<br />
Wed - pasta/gnocchi with tomato sauce and broccolini<br />
Thurs - black beans and rice<br />
Fri - pizza and salad<br />
Sat - chili<br />
Sun - potato tart with roasted carrots<br />
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Happy eating!<br />
nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-31636454928061500722012-11-20T13:50:00.001-05:002012-11-20T13:50:15.030-05:00JapanJohn and I are talking about Japan this week. WE have watched videos on Tsunamis, Sumo wrestling and karate. We made a folding fan and attempted some origami. Today we worked on Haikus. Here are 2 of John's:<br />
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Leaves<br />
<br />
Leaves are soft and brown<br />
Falling down to the wet ground<br />
Big and small for all.<br />
<br />
Beach<br />
Waves crash on the shore<br />
Salty breeze on white bubbles<br />
Hot on my wet skin.<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-54511376463789885772012-11-19T20:00:00.001-05:002012-11-19T20:00:56.810-05:00SchoolsI am not about to write a post about education and what I think it has come to in this country. I am grateful there are educational institutions available to us and that our children are at least learning a few good things. However, I do think testing has taken too high of a role of importance, and it is ruining everything that is good and awesome about education and learning. Done. I say no more.<br />
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This post however is about NYC schools. When I was a kid you went to the school that was near your house. You registered. You showed up on the first day. Done. I assumed my whole life that is what I would do with my own kids, but somehow I never really factored in that I would be living in NYC when I had kids. And I had no idea how insane this school system is here. There is a school you are zoned for, but you don't necessarily have to go there (I will not be sending John to his zoned school. I would rather homeschool him than send him there.). You can "apply" to any school in your district although zoned kids get preference. That's all fine and good if you live in a good district (ie District 3 or UWS). When you are us and you literally live 1 city block from the dividing line of District 3 and District 5, it means getting into a good school is a total crap shoot. Cameron likes to call us District 13 (Hunger Games reference). It's one of the worst districts in the city. Awesome.<br />
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What are my options, you ask? Move? Sure, but we would have to be making substantially more money to move into a 2 bedroom on the UWS. So, no. Accept my fate and send him to a District 5 school and hope for the best? Not a chance. Private school? Only if someone out there feels really sorry for me and wants to give me $35k a year to send him. Any takers? Maybe the private schools will feel sorry for me... Homeschool? Only as a last resort. So what I do is join the crap shoot and hope the di fall in my favor.<br />
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What this means is I have to go on school tours and visits to every school I am interested in applying to. It means filling out applications to all of these schools. It means saying prayers. It means holding my breath and hoping. Is it supposed to be this hard? There is a chance he won't get in anywhere at which point I will probably be homeschooling (not ideal). Every time I go on a school tour or visit, I come home defeated and deflated like a balloon. Perhaps all mothers go through anxiety over sending their kid to school, but I don't think all mothers worry about whether their kid will actually get into a school, unless they live in NYC.<br />
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But I probably have similar concerns as most mothers. Will he thrive in this school's environment? Tradition education or progressive? How am I supposed to know that yet? He's 4. I am not sure which is best for him. Will he get a well rounded education? Will he be exposed to music, art and all the things I think are wonderful and important? What about the other kids? Will they respect him and his beliefs? What else will he be exposed to just by being around kids from other environments? Arghh, so many things to worry about and consider. I went to a private school open house for a school I have always wanted to send my kids to. It's amazing. I love it. I think the curriculum is great, the facilities, awesome and more than that... they teach about all religions (it's an Epsicopalian school at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine). I love that he would be in a place where God is present in his education. That is something that cannot be said for public school anymore. Oh, and he would learn French, Spanish and Mandarin Chinese until he's in 3rd grade. I want to send him there more than anything, but the odds are not in my favor.<br />
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So every school I go to, I think about whether it is going to be as good as the Cathedral School (likely not). Therefore, I come home feeling defeated and deflated and cursing the inequality. Cursing the fact that my hard working family really doesn't have access to something that incredible.<br />
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I have another tour tomorrow. Hoping that the feeling I come away with doesn't overshadow my day or increase my dread for Fall 2013.nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-55129945685720677722012-11-16T21:04:00.005-05:002012-11-16T21:10:52.393-05:00Christmas cards<div>
I have finally arrived into parenthood. We just ordered Christmas cards for the first time since John was a baby from <a href="http://www.minted.com/" target="_blank">Minted</a>. I did it quickly because there was a discount that was expiring, so I didn't spend a lot of time fussing over pictures or text. I thought about all the cards we get at this time of year and how everyone looks so lovely and perfect. That will not be this card. In fact, I actually found a better photo of Grant after I had already approved the design and printing of the card. Eh, so be it. This card will be true to life. No staged pictures. No perfection. Just honest family life, happiness and cheer. This is the photo I should have used, but anyone who knows Grant knows this smile by heart. Merry Christmas!</div>
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nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-33237262780261749252012-11-15T21:36:00.002-05:002012-11-15T21:36:20.984-05:00Artifact UprisingI just stumbled upon <a href="http://www.artifactuprising.com/site/home" target="_blank">Artifact Uprising</a> tonight as I have been searching for Christmas gifts. I have made photo books before using Blurb, which I recommend. But these books are beautiful. I want to make one for every event of my life. Unfortunately, they are a little pricey. But the softcover books and the Instagram books (yes, Instagram books people) are reasonable and lovely. I think I will be making at least one this holiday.<br />
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nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-81120507832769469792012-11-14T20:53:00.002-05:002012-11-14T20:53:26.987-05:00My First BornJohn is my first born. I love him madly, but I often wonder if I show him how much I love him. I have noticed that because he is the first and the oldest, we (I mean, me) treat him as if he is older than he really is. I expect more out of him (probably unrealistically). He has to be my guinea pig and put up with all the faults and mistakes as I go through this parenting training. Because he is the first, he is the first to go through phases, test boundaries, exert his will, say mean things, which often make his younger siblings seem easier and more delightful. But the truth is, he is a good kid. He's smart and loving and wants to be loved and accepted as much as the next kid. And I am always wondering if I am taking all of these opportunities to love him. Hold him. Hug him. He's getting so big so fast. Soon he will stop asking to hold me. I am realizing as I am typing this as I go through the events of the day, the times I got frustrated or upset, the behavior I found disturbing could all have been attempts to get my attention. To divert my focus away from any number of things. And I could kick myself. I do this almost nightly where I replay the day in my mind and wish I could have done things differently or reacted differently or forgotten about cleaning up or doing dishes and just spent some quality time on the couch talking or reading. I struggle with the balance between daily family life maintenance and time spent focused on my kids, not on Instagram or email or dinner.<br />
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A friend told me that when she had kids this age her goals for the day were to make sure the kids were fed and that they knew she loved them. Everything else was a bonus. I hope my kids go to sleep knowing how much I love them and not how much I hate that they throw food on the floor or make a mess of their room. nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-59659630543502784512012-11-13T22:42:00.001-05:002012-11-13T22:42:24.445-05:00He likes meMy day started out with a conversation with Grant that went something like this:<br />
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G: I like you, mom. <br />
Me: I like you too. <br />
G: I love you too. <br />
Me: I love you too, Grant. <br />
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Then he smiles and finishes eating his cereal. He had a similar conversation with Cameron. That kid is adorable. <br />
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The rest of the day went something like this: playing with friends, a meltdown by John on the way home complete with prostration on the wet ground in front of the grocery store saying, "I can't do it." Meaning, I can't walk the 5 blocks home. Then there was lunch which ended in crying by Grant because I removed him from the table after he started throwing pieces of his sandwich on the floor. Then there was some simultaneous stillness while G and F napped. John and I talked about panama and built freight ships out of Legos. Ok, so I built them. Then John destroyed them. We went on a walk that lasted only about 30 min before they started saying they wanted to go home. Meltdown by Grant who wanted me to carry him 3 blocks home. Then John started complaining that his ear hurt and wanted to take a rest. He fell asleep as I knew he would. He's been out ever since. That was at 5. Fiona went to bed at 6:30 and Grant at 7. I cleaned up, wrote up some old lesson plans and some new ones and thought a lot about my little people. They are awesome. <br />
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Now it's past my bedtime and my eyes are heavy. <div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4uEC_xSCI-EdTqeBE22grKHD6GONMbGG1xeexcuVUbi6dA_w-RnLX6pUD-s00PWKbCSzywjoEMLRdvBVAhSwFyHOmzi9xjj7UfiQGSPof9XBr8c0Jwc_NpWsOMbMCUtO9O3fs/s640/blogger-image--1526717757.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4uEC_xSCI-EdTqeBE22grKHD6GONMbGG1xeexcuVUbi6dA_w-RnLX6pUD-s00PWKbCSzywjoEMLRdvBVAhSwFyHOmzi9xjj7UfiQGSPof9XBr8c0Jwc_NpWsOMbMCUtO9O3fs/s640/blogger-image--1526717757.jpg" /></a></div>nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-617658508765691412012-11-07T20:18:00.000-05:002012-11-09T21:31:51.437-05:00I'm a Republican, sort ofI can't say that I am a staunch Republican, but I tend to vote for Republicans. But sometimes I like Democrats. I have friends who are devoted Democrats. I tend to refrain from political debates and conversations most of the time because they usually get pretty heated, and I am really not that educated in politics these days. However, I want to say that I don't think I am a racist, an elitist, or a woman kept back from success because of greedy, overbearing men. These are false ideals. I don't know where people get off saying these things about Republicans because I don't think those are the things I support and therefore I would not support anyone else who did. But thus far, the people I have supported share my ideals for a better America, stronger families, more economic equality. Wealthy people should not be punished for being wealthy. Poor people should not be punished for being poor. White, black, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, whatever... who cares. Do you love America? Are you proud to live here and enjoy your freedoms? Then do what our forefathers would have done - pray for those who are now leading this country regardless of their party affiliation, regardless of your vote, regardless of where you stand. Support them and do your part in your community to make a difference. I don't see how accusing each other of things that are largely untrue and at this point irrelevant makes this world and this country a better place.nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-26042151745156202632012-10-13T19:30:00.002-05:002012-10-13T19:30:32.015-05:00Part of my jobTonight was the adult session of our stake conference. I used to love going to this meeting because I felt like the best talks were given at this session. Since having kids, I don't really get to go. Our stake doesn't really have enough youth to go around to watch all the kids, so it means moms like me stay home or take turns with their husbands or take their kids with them (we did this once and it was misery... for everyone.). And in my case, since my husband has almost always had a leadership role of some kind, he goes to the leadership meeting before the adult session. This inevitably means he stays for the adult session, and I am home with the kids. I realize this is part of being a mom.<br />
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But tonight, it kind of frustrated me. I wanted to be at stake conference being spiritually fed, which is something I rarely get these days at church or anywhere when my kids are around. I spend most of my time and attention trying to get them to be reverent or not hit each other or fight over the hymn books. But instead, my husband was there while I was at home with 3 very tired and crazy kids who ransacked the house, which became a whirlwind of disaster, piles of laundry that needed to be washed/folded, dishes that needed to be done and no real dinner for myself made. That also meant that there was no point of relaxation even remotely visible, which would have been nice since Fiona was up a lot last night and Grant was up at 6:45 meaning I had little to no sleep. I felt defeated. Cheated. Frustrated. Tired.<br />
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But it's ok. The laundry is near completion. The house is mostly picked up, and I even mopped the floor. Dinner is being made. Kids are finally asleep, and all is quiet except the sound of the dryer. I sit here with my own thoughts echoing in my mind, and I try desperately to beat back the negativity and resentment that want to creep in. I'm a mom. It's a hard job. I work harder and longer at this particular job than I have at any other. Sometimes it is not very rewarding. Sometimes my kids say mean things. Sometimes I am really overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Much of the time I feel underappreciated. But it's OK. I would not choose the alternative. I don't ever wish to go back, and I can't imagine my life without each of these little humans that are mine. Sometimes I wish I had someone to clean my house for me and do all the little things that drive me crazy that I can't seem to find the time to do like cleaning the refrigerator or the baseboards or walls or really scouring the bathroom and kitchen or decorating... I could really use someone to do that.<br />
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Most days I really enjoy all the parts of this mom life. I love seeing my kids play and grow and learn. I love their smiles and laughter and voices. I love the things they say. I love the random hugs and I love yous. Those are the things that cancel out the unsavory parts. And when they are sleeping too... it reminds me how much I love them :)nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-11061938404614605302012-10-11T19:34:00.001-05:002012-10-11T19:38:19.369-05:00A good day when all is right in the world<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This has not been a good week. Yesterday was a bad day. My wallet was lost. I thought it was stolen. My faith in humanity plummeted. My boys were beating on each other and fighting all day long. Lots of tears were shed, many of them mine. </div>
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And then today, my neighbor returned my wallet. I made a new friend in her. The boys played together, mostly without it resulting in crying. This photo was not even staged or encouraged. It just happened. </div>
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My kids went to bed. All three. I cleaned up the house. All is peaceful. My faith in humanity and my sanity has been restored.</div>
nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-3183221132994300462012-10-06T21:32:00.002-05:002012-10-06T21:32:21.005-05:00And so another month goes by...I would love to be one of those people that blogs every day. I think I might actually even have things to blog about most of the time, but the trouble is I can't find the time to sit down and do it. Cameron says I could do it if I gave up other things... hmmm. What could that be? Cleaning up the house? Taking care of the kids? Making dinner? Sleeping? Checking Instagram?<br />
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We just got back from a trip out west. I know it seems like we are big travelers, but it just happens that Cameron had a lot of vacation time and paternity leave we needed to use up before the end of the year, so use it we did.<br />
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My younger brother Marcus got married on September 22 (Fiona's 3 month birthday) to an awesome lady named Jessie in the LA temple, so it was a good excuse for us to spend a small fortune to fly our little family out west. We also got to see some fun friends (Tamara, the Bowens and Natalie). I say YES to California adventures. Our time there is never long enough. Sadly, we did not get to see the Crismon's or Sara Borg or any other number of our California friends. Boo. But we love you still. The wedding was lovely, and it was so fun to be there with all the family. It was the first time all my siblings and I have been in the temple together. Crazy wonderful.<br />
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We then jetted to Utah to spend some time with Cameron's family. His parents bought a farm in Fairview about an hour south of Provo, so we spent a few days there. John was in heaven. It was hard for me to drag him away. He got to ride the lawn mower with grandpa, play with the new dog Rufus, help harvest vegetables and explore without me following him around. Awesome for everyone.<br />
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Aside from all of that, I have been doing preschool for John alone. I call it mom school. All the other kids we know his age are in preschool, but I opted out. So we are doing a year of geography, which has so far been a lot of fun. I spend hours coming up with lesson plans. So maybe if I stopped doing that, I could blog more about it. Hmm, I don't think that would work.<br />
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I also canned about 50 pounds of tomatoes.<br />
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And Grant turned 2. Man, that kid is so beyond awesome.<br />
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Anyway, here is a smattering of photos from our trip. If you are on Instagram... you can follow me there if you don't already. If you do, then you will have seen many pictures from our daily adventures already.<br />
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Oh, California... how you pull on my heart strings...</div>
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Brothers</div>
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Me and baby girl</div>
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Happy 3 months!!</div>
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Grant has a crush on another of John's friends.... Norah</div>
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Mr. Adorable</div>
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Grant loves Grandpa Walborn</div>
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Cutest grandparents around</div>
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Grandma Walborn and Fiona at Redondo Beach</div>
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Grandma and Grandpa Meteer with Baby Fiona</div>
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Me and my bro Jared</div>
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The happy couple - Marcus and Jessie</div>
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Smiles for Daddy</div>
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The happy newlyweds... I mean Happy 5 1/2 years</div>
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5 years and 3 kids later...</div>
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Croquet?</div>
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Roommates reunited. My friend Natalie and I, with only half of our children represented.</div>
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Farm visit in California</div>
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Rub a Dub Dub, 4 kids in a tub</div>
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Cam and Nate and kids... I love this photo.</div>
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The Bowens!</div>
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Grantyman turns 2! "I eat Happy Birthday cake!"</div>
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John and Rufus at the farm.</div>
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Swinging.</div>
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A boy and his mama.</div>
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Grandpadukes and his littles.</div>
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Sundance in fall.</div>
nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-79770003928125054392012-09-07T20:31:00.001-05:002012-09-07T20:31:04.571-05:00And a few from the *real* camera<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Grandpa fishing with the boys</div>
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Ammon and David</div>
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My sister Margo with Sydney, David and Katelyn<br />
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Dylann and Katelyn</div>
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My cousin Alex fresh off her mission in Florida</div>
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Nana Purdy and the Kelly boys</div>
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All the littles in their new Pentwater shirts. Thanks, Grandma!</div>
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-8622380759330738142012-09-07T20:13:00.002-05:002012-09-07T20:13:34.147-05:00Personal Paradise<div style="text-align: justify;">
We just got back from visiting family in Ohio and going to Michigan to the Cottage (thank you Superfad for 2 weeks paternity leave). It was so fun to hang with my sisters every day and have my kids play with their cousins. Made me wish we lived closer than a 12 hour drive. </div>
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Also loved every minute of our Cottage time. Anyone who knows me well knows about the Cottage and now thanks to Instagram so do all my followers. It is the most glorious and magical place on earth to me. Sand so soft it's like velvet under your feet. Empty beaches that make you feel like you are on your own private island. Warm water as clear as the Caribbean. Am I making anyone jealous? The Cottage belongs to my grandparents and has since the 70s. It's on Lake Michigan near this small town most people have never heard of, but I have been going there pretty much my whole life, and I love it. Now I get to watch my kids experience and love it the way I did as a kid. Awesome. </div>
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There are lots of things that make the Cottage such a place of nostalgia. Sand in the sheets. Too much "beach house" furniture (ie wicker). Chocolate milk from Country Dairy. 20 boxes of cereal on top of the refrigerator. Endless supply of ice cream in the freezer. The most amazing sunsets. A sun that doesn't set until 9pm. Late night talks on the porch. Games. Lots of Games. Walking along the boardwalk. Getting excited when you get off the 31 onto Monroe Road and knowing you are only minutes away from paradise. The House of Flavors. My grandparents' farmhouse. The fruit stand. Taking the canoe into town (sadly we did not do this on this trip). Walking to the pier. Corn on the cob. The sound of waves lapping onto the shore as you fall asleep. Complete blackness at night. Beach bonfires complete with camp songs on the ukelele and smores. Sand castles. Family.</div>
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Best 2 weeks ever.<br />
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According to the iPhone...<br />
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Fiona and cousin Tuck who is 1 month younger</div>
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Grant and Katelyn</div>
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The 4 babes born in 2010... watch out world.</div>
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Grandma Walborn and Fiona</div>
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Some ice cream with Grandma and Grandpa at House of Flavors</div>
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The Farmhouse</div>
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The Cottage</div>
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Grandpa Walborn and Fiona</div>
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Grant and cousin Clark... going to be partners in crime</div>
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-32054814639424483962012-08-02T20:48:00.002-05:002012-08-02T20:48:14.130-05:00Making ourselves look good We have really talented friends, so we ask them to take pictures of us.
They usually make us look better than we do (at least me anyway. My kids
are pretty cute already). We recently had <a href="http://weddingsbyjoshuabrown.com/" target="_blank">Joshua Brown</a>
take some family photos of us, and I think he did a pretty good job
considering the limited amount of time and the subjects (3 kids under
4). Thank you, Joshua, for taking such awesome pictures of our family,
mostly our kids (we know they are the ones most people want to see
anyway). Forgive me for sharing so many, but there were so many worth sharing.<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-23302669315397182722012-07-30T20:14:00.002-05:002012-07-30T20:15:48.821-05:00Blessing DayWe blessed Fiona on Sunday, 15 July. My parents were here, so it seemed like a good time. She wore the same dress I wore when I was blessed 34 years ago. I think Fiona is a lot cuter than I was. Here is our little miss and a photo of me and my brother on my blessing day for your entertainment. Check out my brother's pimpin' suit.<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-86286481369932307762012-07-30T20:07:00.001-05:002012-07-30T20:08:08.917-05:00Not all my photos are Instagram<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-78743611839879038092012-07-30T19:53:00.003-05:002012-07-30T20:07:54.577-05:00A resemblance... the mold isn't broken yetPeople always ask us who we think our babies look like. My response now... they look like each other.<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-89500405264428134662012-07-30T19:35:00.002-05:002012-07-30T19:35:08.634-05:00If you are still tuning in...It's been over a month. That isn't to say that the birth was that terrible that it has taken me a month to sit down and write about it. Mostly, I have no time to just sit down and bang out this birth story although it is written down in my journal and Fiona's. Until today. Cameron is working late and all 3 kids are snoozing (hopefully). So I will try to get down as much as I can before someone wakes up.<br />
<br />
I had been having false labor contractions for almost a week starting on Father's Day. I would start timing them and gear up for it, but then night would come and contractions would stop. After 2 or 3 days of this I began to get really annoyed. I walked. A. Lot. I did stairs in Morningside Park. Twice. Squats. Lunges. Heat. I tried it all. I thought she might follow her brother's footsteps in birth, but I should have known she would come of her own accord. Friday morning I awoke feeling a little damp. It had been hot, so I didn't initially think much of it until I considered that perhaps my water had broken. But it wasn't a huge gush of water right before pushing as it had been with the boys, so I was a little skeptical. I had a doctor's appointment that morning anyway and decided to just ask the ole midwife. I explained the situation, and she looked at me kind of puzzled. She wasn't sure. It didn't sound like my water had broken, but it could have. Because I had tested positive for Group B Strep (normal for adults, bad for babies), she couldn't really check me until I had received the antibiotic. Conundrum. Solution - we would wait a few hours and see what happened. If I continued to "leak" water and start having contractions, I was obviously in labor. If I continued to "leak" water with no contractions, I would need to go in, get the antibiotic and we'd break my water if it wasn't already. Either way, she was going to come out within 24 hours.<br />
<br />
I went home and sent Cameron to work. I took the boys to the playground for an hour or two. It was unbearably hot. I was sweaty. Still leaking. Took the boys home around 11 so Grant could take a nap. After getting John lunch and setting him up to watch a show, I started timing my contractions. They were coming around 4-5 minutes apart. Around 1pm, I told Cameron to come home and then spoke with my midwife. She told me to get myself to the hospital for the antibiotic quickly, not because she thought I would have the baby in the next 2 hours but because she wanted to make sure they would allow me to go to the birthing center after getting the antibiotic. So, I called our friends Ryan and Kimberly who love our boys and agreed to watch them in this situation, and Ryan came over. I left the house around 2pm, met Cameron on the corner and together we caught a cab to the hospital. The cab driver looked a little nervous, but I assured him I was not going to have this baby in his cab.<br />
<br />
Once at the hospital, we had to go to triage to get the antibiotic. We met my midwife there, who is totally awesome, by the way. She runs that place. I hate triage. I remember being there with John. I luckily didn't have to go there with Grant. My contractions were still consistent but pretty bearable. Once that business was done, we went to the birthing center to finish up this birthing business. I hate being at the hospital that early in labor. I like going at the last minute because I hate the hospital. I would much rather be at home. And even though the birthing center is kind of like being at home... it's still not home. I think we got to the birthing center around 3 or 3:30. Georgia (my midwife) wanted my contractions to speed up, so I started pacing around the room. It didn't take long for the contractions to intensify and speed up. So she wanted me to get in the tub for a little while, which I wasn't too excited about since that was the worst place for me in my other 2 births, but I was tired of walking around, so in I went. That lasted maybe a half an hour. Then it got harder. As it always does. I was dreading the pushing. I hate pushing. It's so awfully hard. For me, anyway.<br />
<br />
So there I was managing the horrific contractions as best I could while dreading pushing. Not a very happy place to be. But as in all births, pushing becomes inevitable. I don't recall the length of time I pushed... maybe 45 minutes, maybe less. All I know is that I bruised Cameron's arm by gripping him so hard. But eventually she came out at 7:23, around 5 hours after arriving at the hospital and only around 8 hours after I first started timing the contractions. Cameron and I celebrated with mediocre milkshakes and a hamburger from a deli nearby. I was happy it was over. Happy not to be pregnant anymore. And so so happy to have this sweet baby girl finally with us. Cameron was immediately smitten, as I knew he would be. And I adored her. Her temperature was a little low most of the night, so I spent it trying to keep her warm. But by morning she was totally fine.<br />
<br />
It's been 5 weeks and a few days since then. We love her more all the time. She is a joy to have in our home. The boys like her and pat her on the head occasionally. John talks to her sometimes and likes to share his toys and blanky with her, too. So far, she has been delightful. Mostly she sleeps. But she is waking up, and oh how we love her little eyes when they are open. I find myself just adoring her all the time. Babies are awesome. It's hard, these first weeks with no sleep and trying to find the time to do anything other than feed her, but it's so worth it. She belongs here in our family. She always has. It's so hard to imagine our family without her.<br />
<br />
I feel so blessed to be a mom. It's the hardest thing I have ever
done, and I think I fail daily on several levels. I am consciously
trying to change certain things, which is hard, but that's part of
learning and growing. I still feel guilty that I can't be all things to
all the kids at the same time. I hate that I can't snuggle and hold
Fiona all day every day. I hate that sometimes she just has to wait and
cry while she does. I hate that I can't hold Grant when he wants me to
because I am feeding Fiona. I hate that I can't hold John when he asks
because his asking is becoming less frequent. He's growing up. But we
are a family. John, Grant and Fiona are siblings, and they have each
other. That's one of the greatest things I can give them. They may not
think so right now, but I pray someday they will forgive me for my
shortcomings because I gave them each other. <br />
<br />
<br />
Some photos of the past month... lest you think our world revolves
around Fiona, John had a birthday (how is it possible my first baby is
already 4???), the boys started wrestling (and fighting over
everything), we had visits from grandparents, etc. It's been a busy 5
weeks. And let's be honest, at this point our world revolves around the
boys... but someday very soon I have the feeling Fiona will become the
sun and we will all be revolving around her. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie0muggF6sPJW5vJHrFTD992IDv1scJkiW5QX1vcQNWTXkLVbyKo_b0dDg9iNHYmF0gsqUuLoUV0Xk-AIJknovHeKYVYUKJ1hHks-iOkg9wi9jDK37NWsuH8aC0SNhRKtguqJi/s1600/IMG_2633.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie0muggF6sPJW5vJHrFTD992IDv1scJkiW5QX1vcQNWTXkLVbyKo_b0dDg9iNHYmF0gsqUuLoUV0Xk-AIJknovHeKYVYUKJ1hHks-iOkg9wi9jDK37NWsuH8aC0SNhRKtguqJi/s320/IMG_2633.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-86048027570947262182012-06-24T20:37:00.001-05:002012-06-24T20:37:37.411-05:00Fiona Grace KellyArrived on her own terms on Friday, 22 June 2012 at 7:23 pm. We are so happy she is here, and so far her brothers adore her. Stay tuned for more...<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18605112.post-77121113623254321722012-06-14T19:14:00.001-05:002012-06-14T19:14:49.751-05:00My personal vendettasThere are several things around here that drive me crazy, and if I had the time and energy I would go on a personal crusade to make change. Currently, my crusade involves a lot of complaining to Cameron, filing complaints via 311 and occasionally writing nasty letters. Here's a short list:<br />
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- the motorcyclists who literally speed up and down Morningside and Lenox Avenues on illegal bikes, with blatant disregard to traffic laws and people.<br />
- the cops who do nothing about these motorcyclists<br />
- NYPD in general. I can't say all the negative things I have to say about most of them. My positive encounters with the police department in this city could probably be counted on one hand while my negative impressions and encounters probably number in the hundreds. Courtesy, Professionalism and Respect - that is the worse description I have ever heard of the NYPD.<br />
- NYC Parks employees who not only smoke inside the park, which is illegal, but do it while working.<br />
- People who barbecue in the park and trash it leaving food and garbage strewn all over the place for someone else to pick up on Monday morning.<br />
- People who don't respect their environment and don't teach their kids to respect their environment.<br />
- People who try to tell me how to raise my kids, especially people who have no grounds for giving me parenting advice.<br />
- NYC Parks department... I have made several complaints and written letters with little to no response and no change. Pathetic.<br />
- Perks Lounge at the end of my street. It used to be a jazz bar, which despite the loud summer nights had pretty good music. I think there has been a change of ownership recently because now there are bouncers, they don't play jazz, there has been an increase of garbage, loitering and middle of the night brawling. Arghh. Tried talking to the police about it. They were not helpful. Surprise.<br />
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<br />nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05648402923819117863noreply@blogger.com1